SMARTBALLS: Reviewed by MollyX

Mmmmmmmm......k. Let's talk a little about something called Smartballs. Have you seen these, have you heard of these? Fun Factory (the manufacturer) says that Smartballs are "vaginal exercise balls." But let's be real here folks. They're a pair of Chinese Baoding Balls with a plastic cover and a rubber band attached to the bottom of them so you don't permanently lose them in your coochie.

I was interested in them because I read an article saying the harder you exercise your kegals, the better your orgasm (which I'm always a big fan of). So, I'm sitting at work one day (I work in a sex shop...kind of) and I turn to my male co-worker and say, "You know what. I'm gonna get me some Smartballs." So I buy them and, being the ridiculously impatient person that I am, I decide to go into the bathroom at work to try them out. They're very easy to insert (a lot like putting in a tampon) and relatively comfortable. So, I'm thinking "not so bad." And then......I start to walk. Oh...My....God....You....Guys! It was like a fucking slinky had gotten trapped in my vag and was trying to walk all over my cervix.

THEY MOVE. I MEAN REALLY REALLY MOVE. It was a crazy sensation. It reminded me of being pregnant and feeling a baby move for the first time. Totally surreal and somewhat alien....as in sci-fi alien. But it wasn't "unpleasant." Just a little bizarre. So I figure, what the hell, I'll keep them in and see how it goes. We close down the store and I head out for the evening, jingling my way down the sidewalk like a fucking tambourine. I get...oh.....about 1/2 a block I'd say, and I feel something shift. I walk a few more steps...and feel a distinct POP! Jesus fucking Christ, the shit is falling out of my pussy. One ball is completely out of my cooter and I'm squeezing my vag with all the strength I can muster to keep the other fucker in. I'm panicking. This is the middle of summer and I'm wearing a skirt, so I'm just waiting for the balls to hit the ground and roll down the sidewalk. I'm trying to slyly push them back in. Trying to duck in doorways and shove a finger up my skirt, but no...the shit is just dangling there. It was like giving birth to a bobble head. So I spend the rest of the train ride, standing, sweating balls (no pun intended) and praying to god that this shit is not gonna come crashing out of my box and onto the floor of the fucking Q train. I got home, inching down the street to my apartment with my knees held so tightly together I looked like a muscular dystrophy patient that has to take a massive shit. I took those fuckers out, scrubbed them and threw them in the back of my closet. I haven't seen them sense. Now, I'm not saying that they're a bad product. If you’re really dedicated to building up your kegal muscles, I think that you'd really appreciate Smartballs. But for someone like me, who was mostly just curious, ummmm.....I'd pass. To me they're just a little too invasive and creepy. Unless you like the feeling of your uterus being stuffed with 8 million caterpillars.

 If that's the case, then go for it!!! Totally. And if you hate them, they’d always make for a pretty fabulous cat toy? That’s not a bad idea. Maybe I’ll have to donate them to Bottoms Up for his kitties. What you think? I hope his pussies like them better than mine did.

Two squirts.

Pros: Nice design, easy to use, can enhance orgasm, good for getting kegals back into shape after pregnancy, affordable.

Cons: If you're a total moron like me, can lead to public humiliation. If worn around others, they may start looking around to see who keeps playing the opening chorus of "Carol of the Bells." Certain creepiness factor.

Product description: The following product description is from http://www.funfactory.de/
SMARTBALLS will let you experience a wide range of emotions and motion, because their friendly texture will give way to intimate massage, from slow and smooth initially, then shifting slowly to ever more caressing and exciting feelings so hard to describe you just have to go out of your way to get a hold of them. They will become your new best friend in a heartbeat.
SMARTBALLS are made of hypoallergenic Elastomed, which is very durable and very easy to clean. The unique design, velvety smooth surface and SMARTBALLS –a deeply feminine pleasure numerous color combinations are pleasing to the eye.