Wednesday, March 31, 2010

CHINESE MASSAGE AND STAR WARS by: BottomsUp

So I decided to head out to my favorite Chinese massage parlor in the East Village for a little stress relief.
Depending on who you get as a masseuse, your massage can be quite a religious experience.
MEANING...
You sometimes get a bit more than an actual massage.
You can sometimes get a hand job.
Which I really really do enjoy btw.
But...
Only if it's by another guy!
Let it be known that the masseuse giving the hand jerk is never ever a sexy mother fucker.
EVER!
But...
When you have been drinking beforehand,
you just keep your eyes closed and let it happen.
Get this!
I received my last hand job by someone you may all know.
This particular person is world famous!
Let me give you a hint.
He is extremely famous.
He has been in more than one film.
He even has action figures and Halloween masks made in his likeness.
Oh and yeah..he is actually a woman in real life!
Can u guess?!
Ok..ok..I will no longer keep you in suspense!
Yes folks...
I got a hand job from Yoda!
A one thousand year old Chinese alien from the intergalactic solar system!
Thing is though...
I didn't know this bitch was that old until I saw her in the light while paying.
I felt my dick slowly crawl up inside myself!
Yoda rubbed my nuts..my dick..and slowly jerked me off.
I finished myself off actually...but...it still doesn't make up for the fact that I was molested by a million year old Star Wars character.
Just typing this makes my dick crawl inside my body from disgust!
Sorry penis...sorry I put you through this horrid torture.
I just don't know if there are enough words to describe how very sorry I am.
You did not deserve this.
Please come back Mr.Penis!

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

TROJAN MAGNUM FIRE AND ICE CONDOM: BY MOLLYX

So ladies......Got my hands on a Trojan Fire and Ice Condom which will be released to the public this summer. You can either pick up a box.......



Or you can purchase a tube of Bengay and squeeze it in your cootchie.


You'll get the same effect. And you know what? I'm not even kidding. Totally hated it. TWO THUMBS DOWN! Unless you have a sprained uterus. Then Trojan Fire and Ice is the way to go.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

PEEP BOOTH SUCK by: BottomsUp

Growing up gay in the Midwest sucked!
All the porn shops catered to nothing but heteros and the gay bathhouses were lame.
I always wanted to go into a peep booth and see what goes on.
There is a side of me who thinks like a filthy low budget porn star!
I want to suck 100 dicks while getting my ass pounded by a room full of Latin thugs and take all their cum down my throat!
See...I told you.
I am a dirty mother fucker.
After moving to New York City I began to explore my fantasy side a bit more.
You don't have to hide your sexuality here and there are gay porn shops at every fucking corner!
After a night of intense drinking...
I decided to stop in to a peep booth on Eighth Avenue.
I felt my heart race with anticipation as I began my walk towards booths.
There were guys all over the place.
I was getting cruised by every ugly mother fucker in the place at first.
I immediately began to regret walking in.
But...
I kept on.
Here's what happens folks....
If you find someone you are interested in you try and find booths next to one another.
(Which is not an easy task on a Saturday night!)
When you find two open booths which are side by side...
you enter.
Each peep booth has an open window which is maybe 4 inches high.
They do not open completely.
Once inside you must immediately feed a dollar into the slot and pick a film to watch.
If you wait too long to pay an employee will knock on your door and tell you to leave.
FEED THE MACHINE QUICKLY TO AVOID THIS.
Once the film begins the lights go down as if you are in a theatre.
This is when you and the guy in the next booth begin to make signals.
If you get the guy who immediately gets on his knees next to the slot and motions with his tongue...
he obviously wants to suck your dick.
Which is what I had happen a few times before finding the perfect specimen this night.
Everytime I went into a booth there was someone wanting to suck me off.
FUCK THAT.
I wanted to suck some dick.
Finally...
There was a sexy Latino who kept cruising me.
It was on!
Once we found adjoining booths...
he just sat there rubbing himself through his jeans.
I didn't know what to do.
Being that I was drunk I decided to make my move.
I bent down and started watching him touch himself.
Once he saw I was interested in that...
he stood up and pulled down his pants.
He had a nice uncut dick and was stroking that shit all slow and delicious like.
My asshole started chewing on my underwear.
It wanted that dick!
Next thing I knew he walked up and stuck his dick through the opening.
I shoved it down my throat!
I sucked and sucked while jacking myself in the process.
It didn't take long for him to cum and I took it all down my throat.
Now...
I do NOT usually do things like this!
But..
I wanted some dick and I got some.
As soon as I gulped down the last drop of his hot Latin love juice,
I shot my load too.
(ALL OVER MY FUCKING JEANS!)
Yeah..NOT CUTE!
As quick as I sucked this guy off..
I was gone.
I quickly pulled up my jeans and got the fuck out of there!
I never saw Pablo, Jose, Chino, Miguel, or whatever his name was again.
I had done it!
I conquered my peep booth fear and it felt great.
The next day I felt a bit disgusting.
I had sucked a strangers dick in a peep show booth!
Needless to say though...
it would not be my last time.
I went back a few more drunk nights and sucked a sexy Middle Eastern dick..an Asian dick..another Latin dick..
I even got my own dick sucked by a 2 foot 4 inch tall Mexican guy..and again by an Asian twink.
They both swallowed.
If you have ever wanted to explore your hidden freaky side and try the world of peep booths..
DO IT!
The fun is in the filth aspect of it.
Plus...the cruising part can be lots of fun as well.
If you don't see any guys you are interested in then leave.
U can always come back later in the night and try again.
I can guarantee you will find someone to fulfill your fantasy.
TRY IT!

RATED 5 STARS!
Well...if you are drunk that is.

Friday, March 12, 2010

A GIRL IS GONNA GET HERS NO MATTER WHAT or WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH GUYS WHO ARE INTIMIDATED BY DILDOS?!?! by MollyX

There is nothing more pathetic than a guy who is intimidated by a vibrator. Case in point... my ex husband. Boys...rest at ease. No matter how many times we tickle the taco with a vibrator or a dildo, we are never going to stop craving your cock. We will never leave you for a sex toy (except maybe my rabbit. We have fantasized about running away together more than once, but nevertheless...). I married (the first time) at a very young age. When my husband discovered my cheap ass plastic pathetic excuse for a vibrator he was horrified and instantly demanded I throw it in the trash.
 But kids.... you can't keep a good girl down. So I quickly started devising a plan to get a vibe back in my life. After weeks of eyeballing...
 and my

and even my




I figured out a fail proof plan. It was nearing Christmas, and at the top of my wish list, I asked for a "back massager." I was happy as a pedophile at Disneyland when Christmas morning I unwrapped "The Thumper." This motherfucker looks like my moms antique Hoover.
It weighs about 75 lbs, has two vibrating heads, and a heat option. The next morning, I waited for my husband to go to work, plugged that sucker in, and went to town. The thing was like having a construction worker jackhammer your clit up into your throat. WAAAAAAAAAAY too strong! But I wasn't about to let that stand in my way. I threw on a pair of panties, unrolled some tube socks, lay them over my pussy, and went for round two with a nice protective layer of cushioning. About three minutes into it.... SUCCESS! Not the most amazing experience ever, but it was tolerable. And my husband spent the next three years thinking I had some serious back problems, cause that shit was plugged in by the bed everyday when he came home from work. But the moral of the story is...guys, come to terms with the fact that no matter how good of a lay you are, or how amazing your cock is, your wife or girlfriend is going to flick it. So deal. If my ex had come to terms with it, I would have been spared one seriously bruised labia and an astronomically high sock bill.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

MY FIRST BLACK DICK by: BottomsUp

I have always been attracted to men outside my race.
For whatever reason I have never really been attracted to white men...especially gay ones.
And we have all heard those rumors of black men having bigger dicks...being better lovers..etc..etc.
There was a time when I bought gay porn videos and mags full of sexy black men with giant dicks and jacked it til I turned blue!
I was obsessed with the idea of getting my ass pounded by a nice black dick.
Now...
Fast forward to a night of endless partying at a gay club in Louisville, Kentucky.
I met this (who I thought was sexy at the time) 26 year old black guy named Keith.
He had a gold tooth, sexy full lips, and a beautiful ass!
Looking back on it now though...he looked like a god damn horse!
In the face that is.
That aside for now...
We ended up getting drunk and making out all night long.
Sad thing is...I did not remember any of it.
FUCKING VODKA!
Anywayz...
A few weeks later Keith came to visit me in Indiana.
I was ready for my first taste of black dick so I spit shined my asshole til it twinkled like a diamond!
As I sat in the car staring at him it dawned on me....
This mother fucker looks like Rick James and Mr.Ed had a baby!
Needless to say... 
We headed off to this trashy motel called "The Cloverleaf" which was close to my house.
The place reeked of roach spray and it was colder than a polar bears asshole inside!!
We sat and talked a bit until the the awkwardness of being sober went away.
And then...
We attacked one another.
He was a terrible kisser!
He sucked my tongue so hard that I couldn't catch my breath!
I felt like a fucking puffer fish gasping for air!
All I could think about was his dick.
I could not wait to feel it..see it..taste it in my mouth!
So..
I unzipped his jeans and slowly slid them off his body.
There it was.
Now I am not a size queen and could honestly care less about size...
but I was hoping to see a big black dick.
It wasn't.
Although it wasn't large..it was very hard and uncut.
It was my first taste of uncut dick.
I loved it!
And...well..there was something else.
Ok..how can I put this delicately??
I will just say it.
His dick hole was smiling at me!
SHIT U NOT!
To this very day I have never seen anything else like it.
I have seen lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of dicks...
but never seen another smiling dick hole..EVER!
It was quite a big hole.
You could actually put the tip of your tongue inside it!
Kind of gross I know but true.
Ok..Ok..
Let's not get off track here.
He was a terrible and I do mean terrible fuck!
I could have nailed a carrot to a teeter totter and gotten more rhythm!
We fucked a few more times after this night.
Afterwards..
I went on a black man fucking spree that lasted throughout my late teens and into my early 30's!
Now...
I am here to tell you that the black man bigger dicks rumor is just that.
A rumor.
I have pretty much fucked every race and I can honestly say that race does not matter.
Either you have a big dick or you don't.
It's like girls and their titties..some girls have big tits..some girls don't.
The biggest dick I have ever seen was attached to a white French tourist I met this past year.
FUCKING HUGE!
That fucker looked like a god damn fire hose!
Yes I know what you are thinking...
I mentioned earlier that I am not attracted to white guys.
That is true.
I prefer Latin dick.
But...
when I drink a dick is a dick!
Sometimes.

MY FIRSTS: THE PATHETIC AND SOMEWHAT DEPRESSING STORY OF HOW MOLLYX LOST HER VIRGINITY

I fucking hate people who talk about losing their virginity as if it was the most romantic, amazing experience of their life. I'm looking at you ladies. I call bullshit. MAJOR bullshit. There is nothing...i repeat NOTHING pleasant about getting your cherry popped. And I will throw down with any chick that says otherwise. "Ohhhh...it was with my high school boyfriend...and ohhhhhh....it was so incredible..and he lit candles, and had a fire going in the fireplace and there were rose petals everywhere and he was so sweet and incredible and gentle and caring and bullshit bullshit bullshit. Yeah right. SUCK MY DICK! I don't know. Maybe it's true. Maybe I'm just a little jaded....with reason. Which leads me to.......MY FIRSTS: HOW MOLLYX LOST HER VIRGINITY. It goes a little something like this..........


So. It's a few weeks before my 16th birthday. I'm at a party at my friend Kris's house. We're smoking a joint in the woods at the end of the backyard. We're getting pretty high when Derek (may he rest in peace. sweet guy. now dead.) walks up with his friend "Tom." I'm instantly attracted to him. Tom looks like a pre-corpse version of River Phoenix circa "My Own Private Idaho."

HOT! Unfortunately, he's also painfully shy.  I eek three words out of him all night and go home frustrated. The next day Kris calls me and says "Tom thinks you're hot. My mom is out of town tonight. Tom and Derek are coming over and he wants you to come." Five hours later the four of us are sitting in Kris's room, listening to Nine Inch Nails and Nirvana and smoking a joint. Derek and Kris leave on a beer run. Tom and I sit in silence. I'm not kidding you. We didn't say two words to each other.....and yet, before you know it, he's dry humping my leg on Kris's water bed. Before we get very far into it, Derek comes busting in and for some reason (which was to be revealed six months later) he spends the rest of the evening cock blocking Tom. The night dwindles down, and I have to get home before curfew. Kris offers to drive me, and Tom asks if he can ride along. I get in the back seat of Kris's '73 Gremlin....and Tom slips in back with me.

Kris is cruising down the highway and Tom and I start to go at in the the backseat. Before I know it, my bra's on the floorboard and he's got is hand down my panties. At this point I'm getting slightly embarrassed. Kris keeps looking in the rear view and giggling. Suddenly, my pants are around my ankles and Tom is fingering me. I kinda can't believe this is happening. But he's hot, and my girl Kris is an open minded gal, so what the fuck. Tom fingers me while be pulls my hair and fondles my titty.....Wait. What!?!?!?!? Tom fingers me, WHILE he pulls my hair AND fondles my titty!?!?!?!?!? WTF!! Unless this motherfucker is an octopus some shit is going down right now!?!?!


That's right kiddies! Pencil dick Tom is fucking me. His cock (I hesitate to use the word cock. It gives his micro dick too much credit). His four month old BABY DICK is inside me. I swear to god, I thought it was his finger. How sad. He finishes as we round the corner to my house. I fumble around as I fish my panties out from under the drivers seat, mumble a few parting words to him, and run inside. I was raised in a very staunch religious home. So I spend the rest of the night laying in bed, staring at the ceiling and repeating over and over to myself "I had sex. I'm going to hell. I had sex! I'm going to hell! I had sex...." and fantasizing about what the devil will be like in person.

 But that is the past and I am now at peace with my present day whoredom. And I can't help but feel that god is now on my side, because he's spared me from ever having another up close encounter with a runt dick.



So thanks Jesus. Thanks for that one.



P.S. Oh,oh,oh,oh,oh......I can't believe I forgot this part. So, six months later, I'm sitting in Blockbuster Music (remember when they had those?) with my best friend, probably listening to the new BUSH album or some heinous bullshit, and who should walk in but needle cock. So, I walk over and briefly say, hi. We exchange a few pleasantries and I return to my friend. Three seconds later this huge cow of a girl is tapping me on the shoulder and screaming "SLUT!" In my face.

 My friend and I look at each other and start cracking up!!! The sumo starts to walk out, gets to the door, yells "I should kick your ass" and leaves. "Who the fuck was that?" "I have NO idea. I've never seen that bitch before in my life." Well kids, turns out pencil dick HAD A WIFE AND A KID. What a fucking ass hat. Way to go micro cock. Way to go. So, young girls everywhere...heed my advice. Lower your deflowering explations. WAY LOW.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

MY FIRST TIMES: BY MOLLYX

I am the Harry Houdini of masturbation. I was raised with 8 siblings, and we all shared two bedrooms, the boys in one and the girls in the other. Every night I was surrounded by several elbows, kneecaps, and shin bones as all of us girls crammed into two twin sized bed. This made masturbating without being detected a very tricky operation. The key is to move very very slowly until you reach your cooter, carefully slip one hand inside the panties, and make subtle flicks with the finger. After years of mastering this technique, I can now safely say that I could masturbate in a straight jacket, wrapped in ten miles of heavy duty chains, covered in padlocks, while suspended upside down by my big toes, in a tank filled with water and man eating sharks.....and no one would know I was doing it.


This is a skill that has come in really handy in my adult life (and probably saved me from countless citations for public lewdness), and I have to say that I owe it all to the man who inspired my very first masturbation experience.........Crocodile Dundee.



I saw the first Crocodile Dundee movie when I was in the third grade, and I was never the same. I thought Paul Hogan was the sexiest man alive.....that's right folks.....Paul Hogan. For whatever reason, it was that leathery, 80 year old, walking slice of bacon with an Aussie dialect that flipped the switch in my coochie. I distinctly remember laying in bed after watching Crocodile Dundee for the first time on TBS or some shit. While my sisters slept five feet from me, I took my first real trip down under. Har har har ha hardy har har. Sorry. I tried to resist it, but couldn't. I'm a total moron with the sense of humor of a 40 year old white guy. Anyway......I didn't come. At that point I didn't know that orgasms existed in the world. But that all changed a few years later with Joey Lawrence and the faucet in my bathtub. That's right kids, it gets worse....


Joey....fucking....retarded....Lawrence. Flash forward a few years. My family has moved across the country and all ten of us are living in a two bedroom motel room. I was depressed. FUCKING depressed. So, I'm sitting in the bathtub (the only place there was any possibility of privacy) and I'm watching the water come out of the faucet.


And I'm sad. And watching the faucet. And I'm missing my friends. And watching the faucet. And I'm wishing there was something I could do to make myself feel a little happier. And watching yadie yadie blah blah you get the fucking picture. So, I get to thinking to myself "Self, what if you hold your bean under that faucet? What that'd feel like? It might make you feel a little better." So I inch my butt down to the end of the tub, prop my feet up on the tile walls, and let the water run on my pussy. And then...my whole life changed. It was by far (up to that point) the most pleasurable experience I'd ever had. And for some reason, which I'll never understand, fucking retarded Joey Lawrence pops in my head.......and I like it!?!?!?!? Within two minutes I was coming my brains out. And you know what....I did feel better. A lot better. From that day forward, I was a chronic masturbator. Still am. So thank you Crocodile Dundee. Thank you retarded Joey Lawrence. Thank you bathtub faucet. I owe you guys one..............or two.............or fifteen thousand.

Bathtub Faucet: Five squirts!

Pros: Easy, clean, free.

Cons: Can lead to watery qweef (or as Bottoms Up once said, "You must've looked like a goddamn garden fountain. People could walk by and toss pennies at your ass and make a wish!") Could require a lot of impromptu story telling and embarassing stammering if walked in on (I'll have to tell you the story of when my mother interupted the faucet game. Not good kids. Not good at all. But that's a tale for another time). Also, be sure to wipe all dirty foot prints from tile on wall or you'll have a lot of explaining to do. Put the shower curtain on the inside of tub to avoid flooding the bathroom floor, but do not...repeat....DO NOT get it snagged under your ass cheeks so that when you come you pull it down, curtain rod and all and beam yourself in the head leaving large and pronounced lump, again requiring a lot of uncomfortable explaining. Can cause serious damage to cervix if water dumps directly into your vag hole. That's right, I do my research. So play it safe kiddies. Aim for the clit.