LARGE SHROOM DILDO: Reviewed by BottomsUp

Due to  my extreme love for anal play...
I wanted to try a little sumthing sumthin new.
So...

I smoked a little reef and headed off to the adult store for a new anal toy.

Now...

I can handle a good sized dick and pride myself on that.

So...

I decided to try a toy which would challenge my love for a good dick.

My choice...

THE SHROOM DONG.

Total Length - 8.5 Inches

Insertable Length - 7.5 Inches

Minimum Thickness - 2.75 Inches

Minimum Circumference - 8.5 Inches

Maximum Thickness - 4.25 Inches

Maximum Circumference - 13 Inches

YEAH EXACTLY

Not only was I planning to take on this giant mold spore,

I was also going to film myself using it for the first time with my video camera.

After I pay the cashier and endure his trying hard not to laugh at this white boy who just bought a smurf house to shove up his ass...

I was on my way!

Let's not forget this rubber dong weighs as much as a severed head.

I felt like I had commited a crime just by taking it home!

Once I was back in the privacy of my own bedroom,

I set up the video equipment and smoked a bit more reef.

It was now time!

(I ALSO DOUCHED THOROUGHLY BEFORE)

Without further adeu...

I began to lube up my tight hole and this giant rubber shroom.

It felt as if I was rubbing butter on a stillborn infant that had been dead for 3 days and left in the woods

behind an old barn.

It was cold and hard.

With the camera rolling,

I began my journey into what I thought was going to be true anal bliss.

What I got was...

a shredded and bloody asshole!

I was screaming and moaning like someone being fucked violently with a baseball bat!

Not to mention...

I was afraid to pull Papa Smurfs house from my ass for fear my insides would be attached!

After an excrutiating few minutes,

I slowly removed the flesh toned fire hydrant from my butchered ass.

It was a bloody mess!

I don't know what the fuck I was thinking when buying this huge ass monster dong.

Not sure if the weed had impaired my ability to think or what the fuck.

Oh and yeah...

The god damn video camera was still rolling and captured the entire Rosemary's Baby scene as it unfolded.

I laid on the floor for what seemed to be an eternity and breathed a sigh of relief.

The nightmare was over.

It took DAYS for my asshole to regain its composure and become normal again.

LESSON FUCKING LEARNED FOLKS!

Final analysis:

 Leave these large anal toys to the professionals!

If you are seeking a bit of danger and excitement in the anal department...

I suggest you leap out of an airplane over Manhattan and impale yourself anally on the Empire State Building!

You will get the EXACT same result!

I hate this dildo and hope it burns in hell.

RATING: ZERO SQUIRTS!