"Why is that Japanese man so happy?" you may be asking yourself. Well, I'll tell you why. Because when it comes to sex toys the Japanese are god amongst men......or so I thought. This belief has been the one constant in my life. When you're looking to stuff the clam shack with a new toy...go to the Japanese. They'll never let you down. My love affair with the land of the rising sun began with (and yes, i know we're all sick of hearing it, especially since that fucking episode of Sex in the City. But I'm sorry, it's fucking true) the Rabbit.
I got my rabbit three years ago and that bitch is still going strong. It is what a you call "a sure thing." I know that without exception, when I bust out my Rabbit Pearl, I am gonna come my brains out and not just once...multiple, multiple, multiple, multiple times. I have come so hard with my rabbit that I've awaken in the morning to find that I've burst all the blood vessels in my face and had to walk around for three days looking like a fucking syphilis patient.
I don't care how tired, high, or crawling on my face puking drunk I am. That shit is the tilt- a -whirl in the land of the pussy. It...does...the....job. So, when we received a shipment of the Tenga Masturbation Sleeves at work the other day, I couldn't wait to pick one up for the hubby.
I got him the Tenga Air Cushion Cup one use sleeve and skipped my happy ass home, looking forward to a night of mutual buffing of the weasels. At first he wanted to use it in private, but I insisted on being there in the name of science. So we threw down a towel, put on some porn and went to town, he with the Tenga and me with the Rabbit. It started off okay, but definitely not great. I think it made him slightly nervous that I was perched over him like a vulture with a vibrating purple dong shoved in my cootchie.
I can see how that could be a little unnerving. The sleeve was really cold, which set us off at a slow start, but it warmed quickly. But within a few minutes I could tell that there wasn't any real fireworks happening for him. "Is there supposed to be a texture inside?" he asks. All Tengas come with a different texture. But he said he could barely feel it. After a few frustrated strokes he seemed to get in a groove.....until something white and spongy came flying out of the sleeve at 95 miles an hour!!! That was a fucking buzz kill. The Tenga comes prelubed. It has a sponge inside the lip of the sleeve that keeps it lubricated. It looks like my husbands rapid jerking released it and it came barrelling out of the end. Ummm...not good. After a few more desperate moments he finally came. It was less than satisfying. I, on the other hand, had already came 40,000 times thanks to you know what. So, in short, in a samurai dildo death match, Rabbit trumps Tenga, no question about it.
So, from the bottom of my female heart, I give a hearty thank you to our friends in the far east for the mind blowing multiples. And a wag of the finger for providing a rather disenchanting chicken choke for the old man. But that's okay....I still love you Japan. I'll fuck you anytime.
Rabbit: Five incredible squirts
Tenga: 2 pathetic tiny squirts
P.S. I do have to say that the Tenga was too short to fit my husbands whole cock, which left him smiling and feeling pretty pleased with himself for a couple days. So, maybe it should get an extra half a squirt for the ego stroke. At least it was good at stroking something.
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