I am the Harry Houdini of masturbation. I was raised with 8 siblings, and we all shared two bedrooms, the boys in one and the girls in the other. Every night I was surrounded by several elbows, kneecaps, and shin bones as all of us girls crammed into two twin sized bed. This made masturbating without being detected a very tricky operation. The key is to move very very slowly until you reach your cooter, carefully slip one hand inside the panties, and make subtle flicks with the finger. After years of mastering this technique, I can now safely say that I could masturbate in a straight jacket, wrapped in ten miles of heavy duty chains, covered in padlocks, while suspended upside down by my big toes, in a tank filled with water and man eating sharks.....and no one would know I was doing it.
This is a skill that has come in really handy in my adult life (and probably saved me from countless citations for public lewdness), and I have to say that I owe it all to the man who inspired my very first masturbation experience.........Crocodile Dundee.
I saw the first Crocodile Dundee movie when I was in the third grade, and I was never the same. I thought Paul Hogan was the sexiest man alive.....that's right folks.....Paul Hogan. For whatever reason, it was that leathery, 80 year old, walking slice of bacon with an Aussie dialect that flipped the switch in my coochie. I distinctly remember laying in bed after watching Crocodile Dundee for the first time on TBS or some shit. While my sisters slept five feet from me, I took my first real trip
down under. Har har har ha hardy har har. Sorry. I tried to resist it, but couldn't. I'm a total moron with the sense of humor of a 40 year old white guy. Anyway......I didn't come. At that point I didn't know that orgasms existed in the world. But that all changed a few years later with Joey Lawrence and the faucet in my bathtub. That's right kids, it gets worse....
Joey....fucking....retarded....Lawrence. Flash forward a few years. My family has moved across the country and all ten of us are living in a two bedroom motel room. I was depressed. FUCKING depressed. So, I'm sitting in the bathtub (the only place there was any possibility of privacy) and I'm watching the water come out of the faucet.
And I'm sad. And watching the faucet. And I'm missing my friends. And watching the faucet. And I'm wishing there was something I could do to make myself feel a little happier. And watching yadie yadie blah blah you get the fucking picture. So, I get to thinking to myself "Self, what if you hold your bean under that faucet? What that'd feel like? It might make you feel a little better." So I inch my butt down to the end of the tub, prop my feet up on the tile walls, and let the water run on my pussy. And then...my whole life changed. It was by far (up to that point) the most pleasurable experience I'd ever had. And for some reason, which I'll never understand, fucking retarded Joey Lawrence pops in my head.......and I like it!?!?!?!? Within two minutes I was coming my brains out. And you know what....I did feel better. A lot better. From that day forward, I was a chronic masturbator. Still am. So thank you Crocodile Dundee. Thank you retarded Joey Lawrence. Thank you bathtub faucet. I owe you guys one..............or two.............or fifteen thousand.
Bathtub Faucet: Five squirts!
Pros: Easy, clean, free.
Cons: Can lead to watery qweef (or as Bottoms Up once said, "You must've looked like a goddamn garden fountain. People could walk by and toss pennies at your ass and make a wish!") Could require a lot of impromptu story telling and embarassing stammering if walked in on (I'll have to tell you the story of when my mother interupted the faucet game. Not good kids. Not good at all. But that's a tale for another time). Also, be sure to wipe all dirty foot prints from tile on wall or you'll have a lot of explaining to do. Put the shower curtain on the inside of tub to avoid flooding the bathroom floor, but do not...repeat....DO NOT get it snagged under your ass cheeks so that when you come you pull it down, curtain rod and all and beam yourself in the head leaving large and pronounced lump, again requiring a lot of uncomfortable explaining. Can cause serious damage to cervix if water dumps directly into your vag hole. That's right, I do my research. So play it safe kiddies. Aim for the clit.
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