Just because

Dildo Death Match or How can the Japanese get it soooo right...and then so wrong? by MollyX

"Why is that Japanese man so happy?" you may be asking yourself. Well, I'll tell you why. Because when it comes to sex toys the Japanese are god amongst men......or so I thought. This belief has been the one constant in my life. When you're looking to stuff the clam shack with a new toy...go to the Japanese. They'll never let you down. My love affair with the land of the rising sun began with (and yes, i know we're all sick of hearing it, especially since that fucking episode of Sex in the City. But I'm sorry, it's fucking true) the Rabbit.

 I got my rabbit three years ago and that bitch is still going strong. It is what a you call "a sure thing." I know that without exception, when I bust out my Rabbit Pearl, I am gonna come my brains out and not just once...multiple, multiple, multiple, multiple times. I have come so hard with my rabbit that I've awaken  in the morning to find that I've burst all the blood vessels in my face and had to walk around for three days looking like a fucking syphilis patient.

I don't care how tired, high, or crawling on my face puking drunk I am. That shit is the tilt- a -whirl in the land of the pussy. It...does...the....job. So, when we received a shipment of the Tenga Masturbation Sleeves at work the other day, I couldn't wait to pick one up for the hubby.

 I got him the Tenga Air Cushion Cup one use sleeve and skipped my happy ass home, looking forward to a night of mutual buffing of the weasels. At first he wanted to use it in private, but I insisted on being there in the name of science. So we threw down a towel, put on some porn and went to town, he with the Tenga and me with the Rabbit. It started off okay, but definitely not great. I think it made him slightly nervous that I was perched over him like a vulture with a vibrating purple dong shoved in my cootchie.

 I can see how that could be a little unnerving. The sleeve was really cold, which set us off at a slow start, but it warmed quickly. But within a few minutes I could tell that there wasn't any real fireworks happening for him. "Is there supposed to be a texture inside?" he asks. All Tengas come with a different texture. But he said he could barely feel it. After a few frustrated strokes he seemed to get in a groove.....until something white and spongy came flying out of the sleeve at 95 miles an hour!!! That was a fucking buzz kill. The Tenga comes prelubed. It has a sponge inside the lip of the sleeve that keeps it lubricated. It looks like my husbands rapid jerking released it and it came barrelling out of the end. Ummm...not good. After a few more desperate moments he finally came. It was less than satisfying. I, on the other hand, had already came 40,000 times thanks to you know what. So, in short, in a samurai dildo death match, Rabbit trumps Tenga, no question about it.

So, from the bottom of my female heart, I give a hearty thank you to our friends in the far east for the mind blowing multiples. And a wag of the finger for providing a rather disenchanting chicken choke for the old man. But that's okay....I still love you Japan. I'll fuck you anytime.

Rabbit: Five incredible squirts

Tenga: 2 pathetic tiny squirts

P.S. I do have to say that the Tenga was too short to fit my husbands whole cock, which left him smiling and feeling pretty pleased with himself for a couple days. So, maybe it should get an extra half a squirt for the ego stroke. At least it was good at stroking something.

MY FIRST TIMES by: BottomsUp

Masturbation is a topic many people do not like to admit doing and or even discuss.

Why??!

We all do it!

And if you say you don't you're a god damn liar!

When I first realized that touching my dick felt great, I did it every single fucking day!

STILL DO!

Not only did I jerk off on a daily basis,

but I began to explore more deeper...

If you get my drift.

I began to experiment with anal play.

I was too young to buy sex toys and didn't even know they existed at this point in my life.

I was just a kid.

But...

there were items around the house I would use to XXXplore my deepest desires if you will.

Everything from a bowling pin shaped cologne bottle, hairbrush handles, pens, pencils, markers, screwdriver handles, fingers, broom handles...

I even placed a condom over a plunger,

then squatted on it in while masturbating and watched myself in the sliding glass mirror in the bathroom.

Man if that mirror could fucking talk!

I used to sit on the toilet seat with my legs over my shoulders and play with my asshole,

all while staring at myself in that shower door mirror and jacking off.

I even ate my own cum!

I loved doing that.

I also knew I wanted a dick in my ass!

(Not counting my being molested by a relative)

At 15, I finally got my wish.

He was 14.

It was awkward and not very good.

At 16 I got my first taste of black dick.

It wasn't all that either.

I was beginning to think that playing with my own hole was better than dick!

When I finally got a taste of some good dick,

(He later became a transexual)

I became a full fledged ho!

Sucking and fucking every dick I could find and loving every minute of it.

I grew obsessed with porn and had a large variety of both film and magazines.

LOVED IT!

I would jack off with other male friends,

and sometimes we took nude photos of one another with a Polaroid camera.

I still have those photos today.

I received my first sex toy at 17.

I gave my older gay cousin the money and told him what I wanted.

"A dick shaped vibrator!"

He bought me a HUGE one!

Needless to say I fucked that vibrator for years!

I stuck it between the couch cushions to hold it in place and rode that fucker til the cows came home!

When my mother started to figure out my being gay,

she also became nosey and began to snoop.

I was so paranoid that mom would find my toy,

so I tossed that giant dick shaped dong into the woods next

to our house.

Funny thing though...

Years later my dad was walking in the woods and found that god damned 12 inch rubber dick!

It was all dry rotted and molded.

I was horrified but was also laughing hysterically inside.

Little did he know that dick was deep inside his sons little asshole many many many many many fucking times!

Hell...

it may still be in those woods today!

He never threw it away that I know of.

lol

Too fuckin funny!

Well there ya have it folks.

The true story of my two first times.

Guess I will sign off for now.

Gotta jack it and hit the sack!

Good night to all!

MADONNA AND SEX by:BottomsUp

Let's just cut to the chase here folks.

I am fucking obsessed with Madonna!
She taught me to be honest and proud of my sexuality, and to never be ashamed of who you are.
This is what makes Madonna...well...Madonna!
Without her existence, I don't know if I would have survived.

As a kid growing up the Midwest, I was this quiet little lost gay soul.

No role models and no one to look up to.

Then one day in the early 80's....

it all changed!

I discovered this woman on my television screen rolling around singing about boys and sex.

With her teased hair, ripped leotards, pouty red lips, see through bra, and well choreographed dance moves...

She oozed sex like no other woman in music and had a rebellious attitude to match.

She caused chaos and controversy wherever she went,

and professed her love for the gays from day one of her career.

I had finally found my idol and role model!
And...
SHE WAS FROM THE MIDWEST TOO!

Parents around the world were flipping the fuck out at their daughters (and even sons like myself) who copied her look and became Madonna wannabes over night.

Her concerts sold out arenas and stadiums worldwide,

and her music and videos left us all wanting more.

In 1985, and as her career was in full swing, Madonna was about to get a shock of her own.

Photos were published in both Playboy and Penthouse depicting a not yet famous and nude Madonna in various poses.

After moving to NYC to pursue her dreams,

Madonna had done some nude modeling to make ends meet.

The images were not hardcore, but did show Maddy in what some would call "a less than flattering light".

With her hairy pits and full bush exposed...

Madonna's response to these images being released was in typical Madonna fashion...

But...

not everyone was amused.

Whore, slut, and bitch, are just some of the many many negative words used to describe this sacriligious sex pot spawn of Satan.

My moms church even did a sermon on the dangers of singers like Madonna!

NO JOKE!

(That's the fucking Pentecostals for ya)

Controversy would continue to be this little ladies claim to fame for many many years to come.

Like it or not ladies and gentleman...

Madonna had arrived!

And in October of 1992, so had SEX.

Madonna's infamous Sex book that is!

 

The book was released by Madonna as an accompaniment to her fifth studio album Erotica, which was released a day earlier.

The extremely controversial book featured strong adult content and softcore pornographic photographs depicting simulations of sexual acts, which included sadomasochism and analingus.

Madonna wrote the book as a character named Mistress Dita, inspired by 1930's film actress Dita Parlo.

Featured in the book, aside from unknown models, are actress Isabella Rossellini, rappers Big Daddy Kane and Vanilla Ice, model Naomi Campbell, gay porn star Joey Stefano, actor Udo Kier, the European socialite Tatiana von Fürstenberg, and nightclub owner Ingrid Casares.

For the release of Sex Madonna gave a party at New York City's Industria Superstudio,

which she attended dressed as Little Bo Peep with a stuffed toy lamb.

Warner Bros. Records and Time Warner executives were reluctant to allow Madonna to create such a book, and although they eventually gave her permission, they remained greatly opposed to the idea.

A huge public "buzz" preceded the book's release, generating massive publicity.

Several organizations tried to boycott the sale of the book, while many book stores refused to carry it.

There were many negative essays by critics that considered Sex to be a calculated controversy timed to boost sales of Madonna's new album.

Soon after the release of the book there came a phenomenon which was considered to be a "Madonna backlash", with many people feeling that the singer had finally "gone too far".

In spite of the controversy and negative reviews, Sex sold 150,000 copies on the day of its release in the USA alone.

Three days later all 1.5 million copies of the first edition were sold out worldwide, making Sex the most successful coffee table book ever released.

 The bookstore chain Waldenbooks sold 22,000 copies of the book on the day of its release, and commented to MTV that they had never once seen a book sell out so quickly.

There will only be one Madonna!

She has paved the way for so many other artists and literally tore down many barriers for both women and the gay community.

Madonna is a one woman army who cannot be duplicated.

GaGa who?????

POINT TO PONDER

Why??!

"Way to fuck everything up for gaspers everywhere David Fucking Carradine" aka "My trip down Erotic Asphyxiation Lane" by MollyX

"Hey, you guys ever play that choking game in junior high." And just like that I stepped into the dangerous and dark world of Erotic Asphyxiation. Little did I know that it would bring me the best orgasm of my life. Erotic Asphyxiation has been a hot topic in the last 6 months (thank you David Carradine).

And although it's getting a ridiculous amount of media coverage right now, it's hardly new. Erotic asphyxiation was first documented in the 1600's as a treatment for erectile dysfunction. This became a practice after it was noted that several men developed a raging hard on when executed by hanging. It's called "Angel Lust." Cute, right? Who knew? Not a bad way to go if you ask me. A necrophiliacs dream. But I digress....So......."Did you ever play that choking game in Jr. High School?" I'm hanging out with three of my male classmates (one of which is now my husband) after rehearsal. It's around one in the morning and the floor is empty. "What the fuck is that?" I ask. "It's where you choke each other until you pass out." "What the fuck!" (that's me talking) "Why the hell would you wanna do that?" "You know, to get high." Now, I've done some seriously STUPID SHIT to get off in the past, particularly in Jr. high. I thought I'd done it all. Everything from huffing gas to accidentally dropping five hits of liquid acid on my tongue, but this shit?!? I missed this shit somehow. "Yeah, it's easy" my friend B says. "You bend over, breathe in and out really fast, and then someone presses on the sides of your neck. It's crazy. You should try it!" I know some or you would say that a group of thirty year old adults playing the choking game is asinine and retarded. And I would agree with you. Nevertheless.........I'll try anything once. So I find my self, bent over, surrounded by three guys, breathing heavy, and getting the living Jesus choked out of me (so similar to my favorite flavor of porn, it's ridiculous). Suddenly, everything starts to go dark and...I like it. Really, really, really like it. In retrospect it's a good thing I didn't discover this when I was thirteen because, if I had, I would have killed so many brain cells by now that I'd be stuck in a wheelchair , drool rolling down my chin and sitting in the pile of shit that's been marinating in my adult diaper for the last three weeks.

I start to hear B yelling. He's at the end of long, dark tunnel. He's shouting "Stop it! Stop! Okay you guys Stop!" and the whole world rushes back as my husband releases his death grip from my neck. The other two are laughing their asses off while B is dancing in the corner freaking out. "I'm sorry, but that started to scare the shit out of me!" he says. What a pussy.

Flash forward a year and a half. My husband (then boyfriend) are in a seedy L.A. motel with blue velvet wallpaper and plush carpeting and tearing into each other. Raping each other. Things are violent. Sexy. Dangerous. He grabs me by the neck and fucks me as he squeezes. And inspiration hits. "Stand up." he says. "Now bend over." Things are about to get exciting. "Now breathe....hard!" He locks his hands around my throat and bends me back on the bed. And then....hold on....three minute bean flick break. I'm sorry, but even writing about this shit gets me wet............Okay, I'm back. So....He locks his hands around my throat and bends me back on the bed. Everything disappears. I'm in a dream state. Where am I? I have no idea. I can see the outline of a man above me. I have no idea who he is. And......HE'S FUCKING ME!!!! How did I end up here with this mad rapist. And why does it feel so fucking good. I'm terrified and confused and experiencing the most thrilling fuck of my entire life. The orgasm comes first. Earth shattering, mind blowing come. And then I realize who he is. It's my boyfriend. We're in the shit motel. He's fucking my brains out. And. I. Love. It. For the next few months everyday is fucking Christmas. It's so terrifying, and thrilling, and bad, and dangerous. And in a macabre way, it brings us closer together. Allowing someone to strangle you into unconsciousness with their dick in you is a bonding experience, believe it or not. It takes an incredible amount of trust. You have to give up total control. Your life is in their hands. All is right in the world....until MOTHERFUCKING DR.FUCKING PHIL FUCKS IT ALL UP FOR ME.

After ass hat Carradine offs himself, the doctor starts going on a anti-choking game campaign. He packs his stage with weeping mothers and condescending doctors talking about what a horrible dangerous fucked up practice it is and how idiot kids are dropping like flies from it. And just like that....I'm psychologically cock blocked. Fuck you Dr. Phil. Now, every time my husband even hints at doing it, I dry up like the goddamn Mojave Desert. Dr. Phil has turned be into a sniveling, terrified, crying little pussy.

But I have to confess...it was magic while it lasted. Goddamn Disney Land. I miss it. Why does the mass media have to ruin everything fun (weep,weep)? Anyway, when it comes to Erotic Asphyxiation, I give it a VERY ENTHUSIASTIC FIVE SQUIRT!

 

*insert disclaimer here* *insert disclaimer here**insert disclaimer here**insert disclaimer here*

 

Okay you little shits. Here's the disclaimer. Erotic Asphyxiation is very dangerous. Ask Oprah. She'll tell you. It can result in cardiac arrest, brain damage, and/or death. And never never never do it alone, or you'll end up like you know who. Not mentioning any names here.

So there. That's my disclaimer. So now when you off yourself on accident by wrapping a belt around your neck and attaching it to your shower rod while dressed in your sisters panties, with duct tape wrapped around your ball and a wad a spooge sliding down the drain, your mom can't call the fucking Dr. Phil show and then sue me in civil court! So there! Choke it at your own risk! Peace.

LARGE SHROOM DILDO: Reviewed by BottomsUp

Due to  my extreme love for anal play...
I wanted to try a little sumthing sumthin new.
So...

I smoked a little reef and headed off to the adult store for a new anal toy.

Now...

I can handle a good sized dick and pride myself on that.

So...

I decided to try a toy which would challenge my love for a good dick.

My choice...

THE SHROOM DONG.

Total Length - 8.5 Inches

Insertable Length - 7.5 Inches

Minimum Thickness - 2.75 Inches

Minimum Circumference - 8.5 Inches

Maximum Thickness - 4.25 Inches

Maximum Circumference - 13 Inches

YEAH EXACTLY

Not only was I planning to take on this giant mold spore,

I was also going to film myself using it for the first time with my video camera.

After I pay the cashier and endure his trying hard not to laugh at this white boy who just bought a smurf house to shove up his ass...

I was on my way!

Let's not forget this rubber dong weighs as much as a severed head.

I felt like I had commited a crime just by taking it home!

Once I was back in the privacy of my own bedroom,

I set up the video equipment and smoked a bit more reef.

It was now time!

(I ALSO DOUCHED THOROUGHLY BEFORE)

Without further adeu...

I began to lube up my tight hole and this giant rubber shroom.

It felt as if I was rubbing butter on a stillborn infant that had been dead for 3 days and left in the woods

behind an old barn.

It was cold and hard.

With the camera rolling,

I began my journey into what I thought was going to be true anal bliss.

What I got was...

a shredded and bloody asshole!

I was screaming and moaning like someone being fucked violently with a baseball bat!

Not to mention...

I was afraid to pull Papa Smurfs house from my ass for fear my insides would be attached!

After an excrutiating few minutes,

I slowly removed the flesh toned fire hydrant from my butchered ass.

It was a bloody mess!

I don't know what the fuck I was thinking when buying this huge ass monster dong.

Not sure if the weed had impaired my ability to think or what the fuck.

Oh and yeah...

The god damn video camera was still rolling and captured the entire Rosemary's Baby scene as it unfolded.

I laid on the floor for what seemed to be an eternity and breathed a sigh of relief.

The nightmare was over.

It took DAYS for my asshole to regain its composure and become normal again.

LESSON FUCKING LEARNED FOLKS!

Final analysis:

 Leave these large anal toys to the professionals!

If you are seeking a bit of danger and excitement in the anal department...

I suggest you leap out of an airplane over Manhattan and impale yourself anally on the Empire State Building!

You will get the EXACT same result!

I hate this dildo and hope it burns in hell.

RATING: ZERO SQUIRTS!