"Hey, you guys ever play that choking game in junior high." And just like that I stepped into the dangerous and dark world of Erotic Asphyxiation. Little did I know that it would bring me the best orgasm of my life. Erotic Asphyxiation has been a hot topic in the last 6 months (thank you David Carradine).
And although it's getting a ridiculous amount of media coverage right now, it's hardly new. Erotic asphyxiation was first documented in the 1600's as a treatment for erectile dysfunction. This became a practice after it was noted that several men developed a raging hard on when executed by hanging. It's called "Angel Lust." Cute, right? Who knew? Not a bad way to go if you ask me. A necrophiliacs dream. But I digress....So......."Did you ever play that choking game in Jr. High School?" I'm hanging out with three of my male classmates (one of which is now my husband) after rehearsal. It's around one in the morning and the floor is empty. "What the fuck is that?" I ask. "It's where you choke each other until you pass out." "What the fuck!" (that's me talking) "Why the hell would you wanna do that?" "You know, to get high." Now, I've done some seriously STUPID SHIT to get off in the past, particularly in Jr. high. I thought I'd done it all. Everything from huffing gas to accidentally dropping five hits of liquid acid on my tongue, but this shit?!? I missed this shit somehow. "Yeah, it's easy" my friend B says. "You bend over, breathe in and out really fast, and then someone presses on the sides of your neck. It's crazy. You should try it!" I know some or you would say that a group of thirty year old adults playing the choking game is asinine and retarded. And I would agree with you. Nevertheless.........I'll try anything once. So I find my self, bent over, surrounded by three guys, breathing heavy, and getting the living Jesus choked out of me (so similar to my favorite flavor of porn, it's ridiculous). Suddenly, everything starts to go dark and...I like it. Really, really, really like it. In retrospect it's a good thing I didn't discover this when I was thirteen because, if I had, I would have killed so many brain cells by now that I'd be stuck in a wheelchair , drool rolling down my chin and sitting in the pile of shit that's been marinating in my adult diaper for the last three weeks. 
I start to hear B yelling. He's at the end of long, dark tunnel. He's shouting "Stop it! Stop! Okay you guys Stop!" and the whole world rushes back as my husband releases his death grip from my neck. The other two are laughing their asses off while B is dancing in the corner freaking out. "I'm sorry, but that started to scare the shit out of me!" he says. What a pussy.
Flash forward a year and a half. My husband (then boyfriend) are in a seedy L.A. motel with blue velvet wallpaper and plush carpeting and tearing into each other. Raping each other. Things are violent. Sexy. Dangerous. He grabs me by the neck and fucks me as he squeezes. And inspiration hits. "Stand up." he says. "Now bend over." Things are about to get exciting. "Now breathe....hard!" He locks his hands around my throat and bends me back on the bed. And then....hold on....three minute bean flick break. I'm sorry, but even writing about this shit gets me wet............Okay, I'm back. So....He locks his hands around my throat and bends me back on the bed. Everything disappears. I'm in a dream state. Where am I? I have no idea. I can see the outline of a man above me. I have no idea who he is. And......HE'S FUCKING ME!!!! How did I end up here with this mad rapist. And why does it feel so fucking good. I'm terrified and confused and experiencing the most thrilling fuck of my entire life. The orgasm comes first. Earth shattering, mind blowing come. And then I realize who he is. It's my boyfriend. We're in the shit motel. He's fucking my brains out. And. I. Love. It. For the next few months everyday is fucking Christmas. It's so terrifying, and thrilling, and bad, and dangerous. And in a macabre way, it brings us closer together. Allowing someone to strangle you into unconsciousness with their dick in you is a bonding experience, believe it or not. It takes an incredible amount of trust. You have to give up total control. Your life is in their hands. All is right in the world....until MOTHERFUCKING DR.FUCKING PHIL FUCKS IT ALL UP FOR ME.
After ass hat Carradine offs himself, the doctor starts going on a anti-choking game campaign. He packs his stage with weeping mothers and condescending doctors talking about what a horrible dangerous fucked up practice it is and how idiot kids are dropping like flies from it. And just like that....I'm psychologically cock blocked. Fuck you Dr. Phil. Now, every time my husband even hints at doing it, I dry up like the goddamn Mojave Desert. Dr. Phil has turned be into a sniveling, terrified, crying little pussy.
But I have to confess...it was magic while it lasted. Goddamn Disney Land. I miss it. Why does the mass media have to ruin everything fun (weep,weep)? Anyway, when it comes to Erotic Asphyxiation, I give it a VERY ENTHUSIASTIC FIVE SQUIRT!
*insert disclaimer here* *insert disclaimer here**insert disclaimer here**insert disclaimer here*
Okay you little shits. Here's the disclaimer. Erotic Asphyxiation is very dangerous. Ask Oprah. She'll tell you. It can result in cardiac arrest, brain damage, and/or death. And never never never do it alone, or you'll end up like you know who. Not mentioning any names here.
So there. That's my disclaimer. So now when you off yourself on accident by wrapping a belt around your neck and attaching it to your shower rod while dressed in your sisters panties, with duct tape wrapped around your ball and a wad a spooge sliding down the drain, your mom can't call the fucking Dr. Phil show and then sue me in civil court! So there! Choke it at your own risk! Peace.
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