I've wanted to fuck Steven Tyler of Aerosmith since I was 12 years old. I'm not even shitting you. 12. I want to fuck Steven Tyler now....every day....of my life. I know he's getting seriously old, but they could wheel that mother fuckers CORPSE out on a gurney and I'd ride his dick . I....want....to....fuck....him. Which is what I had on my mind this Christmas when I asked for (and received!) the Oh My Bod Freestyle Vibrator. I've had the image of those slobbery plump lips on my clit sucking away for nearly two decades (that mouth could swallow four pussies at one time while eating a ham sandwich). So you can imagine how excited I was tonight when I opened the box and plugged her in. I chose "Hole in my Soul" ( Shut up) for my virgin rock cock ride. I push play and.....WTF!!!!! It's like a goddamn blender going off on my ass. The vibe just shakes non stop at one boring speed. No fluctuation. No change in intensity. At this point I'm thinking "why the fuck did my husband drop 130 on this piece of shit. I'd rather have my grandmother play "Yankee Doodle Went To Town" with a kazoo on my clit. That would be twice as likely to get me off as this piece of shit!" So I pick up the instruction manual (yeah, I'm a dumb ass) and see that you can adjust the vibe by a rolling dial on the transmitter. Feeling profoundly betrayed by Steven (cocksucker) Tyler, I decide to try my luck with Black Crowes (no comments about my white trash taste in music please. I'm at peace with it. I"ll fuck whoever my trailer trash ass wants to, and you'll fuck Lady Ga Ga or some fucking bullshit. K?) So I throw on a little "Sometimes Salvation" and go to town and......OMG! Bleeding Jesus On The Cross, it was gooooooooooooodddddddddddd (that's good, not god, but whatever). The vibe picks up all the little fluctuations and crescendos of Chris Robinson's voice. The most delicious part of the Freestyle is that it teased my clit in a beautiful way. You start with a low base line and the vibe buzzes along like an amplifier. As the song intensifies you get closer and closer to coming. You know the song, so at moments you BEGGING for the goddamn chorus or your favorite section of the song to come. In the meantime you're going slowly, stanza by stanza, on the brink of coming as the music peaks, only to be pulled back on the down beat. And finally you reach the climax of the song and come your fucking brains out. Now I have to tell you....I've only squirted once (okay. I'm not totally sure if I squirted or just peed. But it didn't smell like pee. Yes. I smelled it. And it was non pee like. But it could have been pee. But I don't think so) Any way….I've only squirted once in my life, and the Freestyle made me squirt (or pee) tonight. I had four multiples pretty close together and then switched over to Aerosmith again to give old Steven another try. I came. It was alright. But at that point a fucking gerbil running on a wheel over my pussy would have made me cum. So, the long and the short of it is.....The Freestyle can make for an amazing night, especially for music lovers. But choose your playlist wisely. I'll keep playing with it and come up with a favorite Freestyle play list and post it. Of course, you'll only appreciate my playlist if you're a white trash red neck hillbilly hood rat. But I'm cool with that. Tits!Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! And P.S. Just to be fair to my boy Steven...I did have a little 420 action before listening to Black Crowes. Which this writer highly (ha ha) recommends. This toy is very 420 friendly....but what toy isn't?
Pros: Easy to use, beautiful packaging, can plug into computer or ipod, can plug into speakers, multiple adapters for travel, easy to clean, comes with manual vibe, unique, wireless.
Cons: Limits on pleasurable playlists. Not for a quick stuffing of the clam shack. This baby likes foreplay. It's a build up, not a hard and heavy hit. But that's not necessarily a con. Okay. I'll shut up now.
Product description: Retail price: $130. The following description is from the Oh My Bod website: http://www.ohmybod.com/:
Freestyle is the ultimate wireless music massager, combining state of the art technology and ease of use to deliver unparalleled satisfaction. Whether you are rocking to the vibes of your favorite music or rolling through the broad range of programmed settings, this massager will set you free. In music mode, use your iPod® or home audio system to dial in to the perfect mix of rhythm and motion. Or, slip into manual mode to enjoy 7 programmed patterns that will keep you coming back for more. With a rechargeable battery that lasts up to 5 hours, just how long you indulge is up to you.
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