MY FIRSTS: THE PATHETIC AND SOMEWHAT DEPRESSING STORY OF HOW MOLLYX LOST HER VIRGINITY

I fucking hate people who talk about losing their virginity as if it was the most romantic, amazing experience of their life. I'm looking at you ladies. I call bullshit. MAJOR bullshit. There is nothing...i repeat NOTHING pleasant about getting your cherry popped. And I will throw down with any chick that says otherwise. "Ohhhh...it was with my high school boyfriend...and ohhhhhh....it was so incredible..and he lit candles, and had a fire going in the fireplace and there were rose petals everywhere and he was so sweet and incredible and gentle and caring and bullshit bullshit bullshit. Yeah right. SUCK MY DICK! I don't know. Maybe it's true. Maybe I'm just a little jaded....with reason. Which leads me to.......MY FIRSTS: HOW MOLLYX LOST HER VIRGINITY. It goes a little something like this..........


So. It's a few weeks before my 16th birthday. I'm at a party at my friend Kris's house. We're smoking a joint in the woods at the end of the backyard. We're getting pretty high when Derek (may he rest in peace. sweet guy. now dead.) walks up with his friend "Tom." I'm instantly attracted to him. Tom looks like a pre-corpse version of River Phoenix circa "My Own Private Idaho."

HOT! Unfortunately, he's also painfully shy.  I eek three words out of him all night and go home frustrated. The next day Kris calls me and says "Tom thinks you're hot. My mom is out of town tonight. Tom and Derek are coming over and he wants you to come." Five hours later the four of us are sitting in Kris's room, listening to Nine Inch Nails and Nirvana and smoking a joint. Derek and Kris leave on a beer run. Tom and I sit in silence. I'm not kidding you. We didn't say two words to each other.....and yet, before you know it, he's dry humping my leg on Kris's water bed. Before we get very far into it, Derek comes busting in and for some reason (which was to be revealed six months later) he spends the rest of the evening cock blocking Tom. The night dwindles down, and I have to get home before curfew. Kris offers to drive me, and Tom asks if he can ride along. I get in the back seat of Kris's '73 Gremlin....and Tom slips in back with me.

Kris is cruising down the highway and Tom and I start to go at in the the backseat. Before I know it, my bra's on the floorboard and he's got is hand down my panties. At this point I'm getting slightly embarrassed. Kris keeps looking in the rear view and giggling. Suddenly, my pants are around my ankles and Tom is fingering me. I kinda can't believe this is happening. But he's hot, and my girl Kris is an open minded gal, so what the fuck. Tom fingers me while be pulls my hair and fondles my titty.....Wait. What!?!?!?!? Tom fingers me, WHILE he pulls my hair AND fondles my titty!?!?!?!?!? WTF!! Unless this motherfucker is an octopus some shit is going down right now!?!?!

That's right kiddies! Pencil dick Tom is fucking me. His cock (I hesitate to use the word cock. It gives his micro dick too much credit). His four month old BABY DICK is inside me. I swear to god, I thought it was his finger. How sad. He finishes as we round the corner to my house. I fumble around as I fish my panties out from under the drivers seat, mumble a few parting words to him, and run inside. I was raised in a very staunch religious home. So I spend the rest of the night laying in bed, staring at the ceiling and repeating over and over to myself "I had sex. I'm going to hell. I had sex! I'm going to hell! I had sex...." and fantasizing about what the devil will be like in person.

 But that is the past and I am now at peace with my present day whoredom. And I can't help but feel that god is now on my side, because he's spared me from ever having another up close encounter with a runt dick.

So thanks Jesus. Thanks for that one.



P.S. Oh,oh,oh,oh,oh......I can't believe I forgot this part. So, six months later, I'm sitting in Blockbuster Music (remember when they had those?) with my best friend, probably listening to the new BUSH album or some heinous bullshit, and who should walk in but needle cock. So, I walk over and briefly say, hi. We exchange a few pleasantries and I return to my friend. Three seconds later this huge cow of a girl is tapping me on the shoulder and screaming "SLUT!" In my face.

 My friend and I look at each other and start cracking up!!! The sumo starts to walk out, gets to the door, yells "I should kick your ass" and leaves. "Who the fuck was that?" "I have NO idea. I've never seen that bitch before in my life." Well kids, turns out pencil dick HAD A WIFE AND A KID. What a fucking ass hat. Way to go micro cock. Way to go. So, young girls everywhere...heed my advice. Lower your deflowering explations. WAY LOW.