MY FIRST BLACK DICK by: BottomsUp

I have always been attracted to men outside my race.

For whatever reason I have never really been attracted to white men...especially gay ones.

And we have all heard those rumors of black men having bigger dicks...being better lovers..etc..etc.

There was a time when I bought gay porn videos and mags full of sexy black men with giant dicks and jacked it til I turned blue!

I was obsessed with the idea of getting my ass pounded by a nice black dick.

Now...

Fast forward to a night of endless partying at a gay club in Louisville, Kentucky.

I met this (who I thought was sexy at the time) 26 year old black guy named Keith.

He had a gold tooth, sexy full lips, and a beautiful ass!
Looking back on it now though...he looked like a god damn horse!
In the face that is.

That aside for now...

We ended up getting drunk and making out all night long.

Sad thing is...I did not remember any of it.

FUCKING VODKA!

Anywayz...

A few weeks later Keith came to visit me in Indiana.

I was ready for my first taste of black dick so I spit shined my asshole til it twinkled like a diamond!
As I sat in the car staring at him it dawned on me....

This mother fucker looks like Rick James and Mr.Ed had a baby!

Needless to say... 

We headed off to this trashy motel called "The Cloverleaf" which was close to my house.

The place reeked of roach spray and it was colder than a polar bears asshole inside!!

We sat and talked a bit until the the awkwardness of being sober went away.
And then...
We attacked one another.

He was a terrible kisser!

He sucked my tongue so hard that I couldn't catch my breath!

I felt like a fucking puffer fish gasping for air!

All I could think about was his dick.

I could not wait to feel it..see it..taste it in my mouth!

So..

I unzipped his jeans and slowly slid them off his body.

There it was.

Now I am not a size queen and could honestly care less about size...

but I was hoping to see a big black dick.

It wasn't.

Although it wasn't large..it was very hard and uncut.

It was my first taste of uncut dick.

I loved it!

And...well..there was something else.

Ok..how can I put this delicately??

I will just say it.

His dick hole was smiling at me!

SHIT U NOT!

To this very day I have never seen anything else like it.

I have seen lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of dicks...

but never seen another smiling dick hole..EVER!

It was quite a big hole.

You could actually put the tip of your tongue inside it!

Kind of gross I know but true.

Ok..Ok..

Let's not get off track here.

He was a terrible and I do mean terrible fuck!

I could have nailed a carrot to a teeter totter and gotten more rhythm!

We fucked a few more times after this night.

Afterwards..

I went on a black man fucking spree that lasted throughout my late teens and into my early 30's!

Now...

I am here to tell you that the black man bigger dicks rumor is just that.

A rumor.

I have pretty much fucked every race and I can honestly say that race does not matter.

Either you have a big dick or you don't.

It's like girls and their titties..some girls have big tits..some girls don't.

The biggest dick I have ever seen was attached to a white French tourist I met this past year.

FUCKING HUGE!

That fucker looked like a god damn fire hose!

Yes I know what you are thinking...

I mentioned earlier that I am not attracted to white guys.

That is true.

I prefer Latin dick.

But...

when I drink a dick is a dick!

Sometimes.

MY FIRSTS: THE PATHETIC AND SOMEWHAT DEPRESSING STORY OF HOW MOLLYX LOST HER VIRGINITY

I fucking hate people who talk about losing their virginity as if it was the most romantic, amazing experience of their life. I'm looking at you ladies. I call bullshit. MAJOR bullshit. There is nothing...i repeat NOTHING pleasant about getting your cherry popped. And I will throw down with any chick that says otherwise. "Ohhhh...it was with my high school boyfriend...and ohhhhhh....it was so incredible..and he lit candles, and had a fire going in the fireplace and there were rose petals everywhere and he was so sweet and incredible and gentle and caring and bullshit bullshit bullshit. Yeah right. SUCK MY DICK! I don't know. Maybe it's true. Maybe I'm just a little jaded....with reason. Which leads me to.......MY FIRSTS: HOW MOLLYX LOST HER VIRGINITY. It goes a little something like this..........


So. It's a few weeks before my 16th birthday. I'm at a party at my friend Kris's house. We're smoking a joint in the woods at the end of the backyard. We're getting pretty high when Derek (may he rest in peace. sweet guy. now dead.) walks up with his friend "Tom." I'm instantly attracted to him. Tom looks like a pre-corpse version of River Phoenix circa "My Own Private Idaho."

HOT! Unfortunately, he's also painfully shy.  I eek three words out of him all night and go home frustrated. The next day Kris calls me and says "Tom thinks you're hot. My mom is out of town tonight. Tom and Derek are coming over and he wants you to come." Five hours later the four of us are sitting in Kris's room, listening to Nine Inch Nails and Nirvana and smoking a joint. Derek and Kris leave on a beer run. Tom and I sit in silence. I'm not kidding you. We didn't say two words to each other.....and yet, before you know it, he's dry humping my leg on Kris's water bed. Before we get very far into it, Derek comes busting in and for some reason (which was to be revealed six months later) he spends the rest of the evening cock blocking Tom. The night dwindles down, and I have to get home before curfew. Kris offers to drive me, and Tom asks if he can ride along. I get in the back seat of Kris's '73 Gremlin....and Tom slips in back with me.

Kris is cruising down the highway and Tom and I start to go at in the the backseat. Before I know it, my bra's on the floorboard and he's got is hand down my panties. At this point I'm getting slightly embarrassed. Kris keeps looking in the rear view and giggling. Suddenly, my pants are around my ankles and Tom is fingering me. I kinda can't believe this is happening. But he's hot, and my girl Kris is an open minded gal, so what the fuck. Tom fingers me while be pulls my hair and fondles my titty.....Wait. What!?!?!?!? Tom fingers me, WHILE he pulls my hair AND fondles my titty!?!?!?!?!? WTF!! Unless this motherfucker is an octopus some shit is going down right now!?!?!

That's right kiddies! Pencil dick Tom is fucking me. His cock (I hesitate to use the word cock. It gives his micro dick too much credit). His four month old BABY DICK is inside me. I swear to god, I thought it was his finger. How sad. He finishes as we round the corner to my house. I fumble around as I fish my panties out from under the drivers seat, mumble a few parting words to him, and run inside. I was raised in a very staunch religious home. So I spend the rest of the night laying in bed, staring at the ceiling and repeating over and over to myself "I had sex. I'm going to hell. I had sex! I'm going to hell! I had sex...." and fantasizing about what the devil will be like in person.

 But that is the past and I am now at peace with my present day whoredom. And I can't help but feel that god is now on my side, because he's spared me from ever having another up close encounter with a runt dick.

So thanks Jesus. Thanks for that one.



P.S. Oh,oh,oh,oh,oh......I can't believe I forgot this part. So, six months later, I'm sitting in Blockbuster Music (remember when they had those?) with my best friend, probably listening to the new BUSH album or some heinous bullshit, and who should walk in but needle cock. So, I walk over and briefly say, hi. We exchange a few pleasantries and I return to my friend. Three seconds later this huge cow of a girl is tapping me on the shoulder and screaming "SLUT!" In my face.

 My friend and I look at each other and start cracking up!!! The sumo starts to walk out, gets to the door, yells "I should kick your ass" and leaves. "Who the fuck was that?" "I have NO idea. I've never seen that bitch before in my life." Well kids, turns out pencil dick HAD A WIFE AND A KID. What a fucking ass hat. Way to go micro cock. Way to go. So, young girls everywhere...heed my advice. Lower your deflowering explations. WAY LOW.

MY FIRST TIMES: BY MOLLYX

I am the Harry Houdini of masturbation. I was raised with 8 siblings, and we all shared two bedrooms, the boys in one and the girls in the other. Every night I was surrounded by several elbows, kneecaps, and shin bones as all of us girls crammed into two twin sized bed. This made masturbating without being detected a very tricky operation. The key is to move very very slowly until you reach your cooter, carefully slip one hand inside the panties, and make subtle flicks with the finger. After years of mastering this technique, I can now safely say that I could masturbate in a straight jacket, wrapped in ten miles of heavy duty chains, covered in padlocks, while suspended upside down by my big toes, in a tank filled with water and man eating sharks.....and no one would know I was doing it.

This is a skill that has come in really handy in my adult life (and probably saved me from countless citations for public lewdness), and I have to say that I owe it all to the man who inspired my very first masturbation experience.........Crocodile Dundee.

I saw the first Crocodile Dundee movie when I was in the third grade, and I was never the same. I thought Paul Hogan was the sexiest man alive.....that's right folks.....Paul Hogan. For whatever reason, it was that leathery, 80 year old, walking slice of bacon with an Aussie dialect that flipped the switch in my coochie. I distinctly remember laying in bed after watching Crocodile Dundee for the first time on TBS or some shit. While my sisters slept five feet from me, I took my first real trip down under. Har har har ha hardy har har. Sorry. I tried to resist it, but couldn't. I'm a total moron with the sense of humor of a 40 year old white guy. Anyway......I didn't come. At that point I didn't know that orgasms existed in the world. But that all changed a few years later with Joey Lawrence and the faucet in my bathtub. That's right kids, it gets worse....

Joey....fucking....retarded....Lawrence. Flash forward a few years. My family has moved across the country and all ten of us are living in a two bedroom motel room. I was depressed. FUCKING depressed. So, I'm sitting in the bathtub (the only place there was any possibility of privacy) and I'm watching the water come out of the faucet.

And I'm sad. And watching the faucet. And I'm missing my friends. And watching the faucet. And I'm wishing there was something I could do to make myself feel a little happier. And watching yadie yadie blah blah you get the fucking picture. So, I get to thinking to myself "Self, what if you hold your bean under that faucet? What that'd feel like? It might make you feel a little better." So I inch my butt down to the end of the tub, prop my feet up on the tile walls, and let the water run on my pussy. And then...my whole life changed. It was by far (up to that point) the most pleasurable experience I'd ever had. And for some reason, which I'll never understand, fucking retarded Joey Lawrence pops in my head.......and I like it!?!?!?!? Within two minutes I was coming my brains out. And you know what....I did feel better. A lot better. From that day forward, I was a chronic masturbator. Still am. So thank you Crocodile Dundee. Thank you retarded Joey Lawrence. Thank you bathtub faucet. I owe you guys one..............or two.............or fifteen thousand.

Bathtub Faucet: Five squirts!

Pros: Easy, clean, free.

Cons: Can lead to watery qweef (or as Bottoms Up once said, "You must've looked like a goddamn garden fountain. People could walk by and toss pennies at your ass and make a wish!") Could require a lot of impromptu story telling and embarassing stammering if walked in on (I'll have to tell you the story of when my mother interupted the faucet game. Not good kids. Not good at all. But that's a tale for another time). Also, be sure to wipe all dirty foot prints from tile on wall or you'll have a lot of explaining to do. Put the shower curtain on the inside of tub to avoid flooding the bathroom floor, but do not...repeat....DO NOT get it snagged under your ass cheeks so that when you come you pull it down, curtain rod and all and beam yourself in the head leaving large and pronounced lump, again requiring a lot of uncomfortable explaining. Can cause serious damage to cervix if water dumps directly into your vag hole. That's right, I do my research. So play it safe kiddies. Aim for the clit.

POINT TO PONDER BY MOLLYX

TODAYS POINT TO PONDER!!


 IS THIS..........

A) A Pussy?

Or is it.......

 B) Werewolf man from Netherworld?

YOU DECIDE!!!!!!

THE TIGER TYSON REPLICOCK by: BottomsUp

Anyone that knows me can tell you my fascination with gay pornstar Tiger Tyson.

Well...I used to be obsessed with him.

I met him a few years back and well ummm..

we kind of fucked.

Although it wasn't the best sex I ever had, it wasn't the worst either.

I place the blame on all the alcohol and weed we consumed beforehand.

That's the story and I am sticking to it!

Anywayz...

I ran into Tiger again a few years later and ummmm..

he didn't even remember me.

I didn't take offense though.

I am sure he has dicked more than his share of guys from coast to coast.

For those of you not lucky enough to have had the real thing,

Tiger now has his cock immortalized in dildo form.

The Replicock!

After a night of drinking at View Bar here in NYC, I headed down the street to the Blue Store in search of a new anal toy.

And there it was!

Tiger Tyson's dick in a box.

The price was around $50/$60 bucks.

Needless to say I bought and planned to fuck this carbon copied cock as soon as I got home.

Out of the box this replicock looks a bit larger than the dick I remember being shoved in my asshole.

But...

I lubed it up and stuck it to the shower wall!

Oh yeah..

I forgot to mention it has a suction cup device attached to the balls.

With lots of lube and a severe craving for cock like a crackhead craves a crack rock,

I gently slid this cold severed arm up my ass.

I swear to god it felt like I was giving birth to a summer sausage.

With that being said..

My cock craving was quenched and my orgasm was explosive.

I love dildos that resemble actual dicks.

It's much easier for the fuck fantasy in my head to seem a reality if the dildo is dick shaped.

RATED: 4 STARS

I truly enjoy this toy.

It is molded from Tiger's actual cock so the detail is quite accurate.

Buy one!

Just because

Dildo Death Match or How can the Japanese get it soooo right...and then so wrong? by MollyX

"Why is that Japanese man so happy?" you may be asking yourself. Well, I'll tell you why. Because when it comes to sex toys the Japanese are god amongst men......or so I thought. This belief has been the one constant in my life. When you're looking to stuff the clam shack with a new toy...go to the Japanese. They'll never let you down. My love affair with the land of the rising sun began with (and yes, i know we're all sick of hearing it, especially since that fucking episode of Sex in the City. But I'm sorry, it's fucking true) the Rabbit.

 I got my rabbit three years ago and that bitch is still going strong. It is what a you call "a sure thing." I know that without exception, when I bust out my Rabbit Pearl, I am gonna come my brains out and not just once...multiple, multiple, multiple, multiple times. I have come so hard with my rabbit that I've awaken  in the morning to find that I've burst all the blood vessels in my face and had to walk around for three days looking like a fucking syphilis patient.

I don't care how tired, high, or crawling on my face puking drunk I am. That shit is the tilt- a -whirl in the land of the pussy. It...does...the....job. So, when we received a shipment of the Tenga Masturbation Sleeves at work the other day, I couldn't wait to pick one up for the hubby.

 I got him the Tenga Air Cushion Cup one use sleeve and skipped my happy ass home, looking forward to a night of mutual buffing of the weasels. At first he wanted to use it in private, but I insisted on being there in the name of science. So we threw down a towel, put on some porn and went to town, he with the Tenga and me with the Rabbit. It started off okay, but definitely not great. I think it made him slightly nervous that I was perched over him like a vulture with a vibrating purple dong shoved in my cootchie.

 I can see how that could be a little unnerving. The sleeve was really cold, which set us off at a slow start, but it warmed quickly. But within a few minutes I could tell that there wasn't any real fireworks happening for him. "Is there supposed to be a texture inside?" he asks. All Tengas come with a different texture. But he said he could barely feel it. After a few frustrated strokes he seemed to get in a groove.....until something white and spongy came flying out of the sleeve at 95 miles an hour!!! That was a fucking buzz kill. The Tenga comes prelubed. It has a sponge inside the lip of the sleeve that keeps it lubricated. It looks like my husbands rapid jerking released it and it came barrelling out of the end. Ummm...not good. After a few more desperate moments he finally came. It was less than satisfying. I, on the other hand, had already came 40,000 times thanks to you know what. So, in short, in a samurai dildo death match, Rabbit trumps Tenga, no question about it.

So, from the bottom of my female heart, I give a hearty thank you to our friends in the far east for the mind blowing multiples. And a wag of the finger for providing a rather disenchanting chicken choke for the old man. But that's okay....I still love you Japan. I'll fuck you anytime.

Rabbit: Five incredible squirts

Tenga: 2 pathetic tiny squirts

P.S. I do have to say that the Tenga was too short to fit my husbands whole cock, which left him smiling and feeling pretty pleased with himself for a couple days. So, maybe it should get an extra half a squirt for the ego stroke. At least it was good at stroking something.