COOTERS AND POOTERS

CHINESE MASSAGE AND STAR WARS by: BottomsUp

2010-03-31T19:55:00.000-07:00

So I decided to head out to my favorite Chinese massage parlor in the East Village for a little stress relief.

Depending on who you get as a masseuse, your massage can be quite a religious experience.

MEANING...

You sometimes get a bit more than an actual massage.

You can sometimes get a hand job.

Which I really really do enjoy btw.

But...

Only if it's by another guy!

Let it be known that the masseuse giving the hand jerk is never ever a sexy mother fucker.

EVER!

But...

When you have been drinking beforehand,

you just keep your eyes closed and let it happen.

Get this!

I received my last hand job by someone you may all know.

This particular person is world famous!

Let me give you a hint.

He is extremely famous.

He has been in more than one film.

He even has action figures and Halloween masks made in his likeness.

Oh and yeah..he is actually a woman in real life!

Can u guess?!

Ok..ok..I will no longer keep you in suspense!

Yes folks...

I got a hand job from Yoda!

A one thousand year old Chinese alien from the intergalactic solar system!

Thing is though...

I didn't know this bitch was that old until I saw her in the light while paying.

I felt my dick slowly crawl up inside myself!

Yoda rubbed my nuts..my dick..and slowly jerked me off.

I finished myself off actually...but...it still doesn't make up for the fact that I was molested by a million year old Star Wars character.

Just typing this makes my dick crawl inside my body from disgust!

Sorry penis...sorry I put you through this horrid torture.

I just don't know if there are enough words to describe how very sorry I am.

You did not deserve this.

Please come back Mr.Penis!

TROJAN MAGNUM FIRE AND ICE CONDOM: BY MOLLYX

2010-03-23T11:54:00.000-07:00

So ladies......Got my hands on a Trojan Fire and Ice Condom which will be released to the public this summer. You can either pick up a box.......

Or you can purchase a tube of Bengay and squeeze it in your cootchie.

You'll get the same effect. And you know what? I'm not even kidding. Totally hated it. TWO THUMBS DOWN! Unless you have a sprained uterus. Then Trojan Fire and Ice is the way to go.

PEEP BOOTH SUCK by: BottomsUp

2010-03-16T21:22:00.000-07:00

Growing up gay in the Midwest sucked!

All the porn shops catered to nothing but heteros and the gay bathhouses were lame.

I always wanted to go into a peep booth and see what goes on.

There is a side of me who thinks like a filthy low budget porn star!

I want to suck 100 dicks while getting my ass pounded by a room full of Latin thugs and take all their cum down my throat!

See...I told you.

I am a dirty mother fucker.

After moving to New York City I began to explore my fantasy side a bit more.

You don't have to hide your sexuality here and there are gay porn shops at every fucking corner!

After a night of intense drinking...

I decided to stop in to a peep booth on Eighth Avenue.

I felt my heart race with anticipation as I began my walk towards booths.

There were guys all over the place.

I was getting cruised by every ugly mother fucker in the place at first.

I immediately began to regret walking in.

But...

I kept on.

Here's what happens folks....

If you find someone you are interested in you try and find booths next to one another.

(Which is not an easy task on a Saturday night!)

When you find two open booths which are side by side...

you enter.

Each peep booth has an open window which is maybe 4 inches high.

They do not open completely.

Once inside you must immediately feed a dollar into the slot and pick a film to watch.

If you wait too long to pay an employee will knock on your door and tell you to leave.

FEED THE MACHINE QUICKLY TO AVOID THIS.

Once the film begins the lights go down as if you are in a theatre.

This is when you and the guy in the next booth begin to make signals.

If you get the guy who immediately gets on his knees next to the slot and motions with his tongue...

he obviously wants to suck your dick.

Which is what I had happen a few times before finding the perfect specimen this night.

Everytime I went into a booth there was someone wanting to suck me off.
FUCK THAT.
I wanted to suck some dick.
Finally...
There was a sexy Latino who kept cruising me.
It was on!
Once we found adjoining booths...
he just sat there rubbing himself through his jeans.

I didn't know what to do.

Being that I was drunk I decided to make my move.

I bent down and started watching him touch himself.

Once he saw I was interested in that...

he stood up and pulled down his pants.

He had a nice uncut dick and was stroking that shit all slow and delicious like.

My asshole started chewing on my underwear.

It wanted that dick!

Next thing I knew he walked up and stuck his dick through the opening.

I shoved it down my throat!

I sucked and sucked while jacking myself in the process.

It didn't take long for him to cum and I took it all down my throat.
Now...
I do NOT usually do things like this!
But..
I wanted some dick and I got some.
As soon as I gulped down the last drop of his hot Latin love juice,
I shot my load too.

(ALL OVER MY FUCKING JEANS!)

Yeah..NOT CUTE!
As quick as I sucked this guy off..
I was gone.
I quickly pulled up my jeans and got the fuck out of there!
I never saw Pablo, Jose, Chino, Miguel, or whatever his name was again.

I had done it!

I conquered my peep booth fear and it felt great.

The next day I felt a bit disgusting.

I had sucked a strangers dick in a peep show booth!

Needless to say though...

it would not be my last time.

I went back a few more drunk nights and sucked a sexy Middle Eastern dick..an Asian dick..another Latin dick..

I even got my own dick sucked by a 2 foot 4 inch tall Mexican guy..and again by an Asian twink.

They both swallowed.

If you have ever wanted to explore your hidden freaky side and try the world of peep booths..

DO IT!

The fun is in the filth aspect of it.

Plus...the cruising part can be lots of fun as well.

If you don't see any guys you are interested in then leave.

U can always come back later in the night and try again.

I can guarantee you will find someone to fulfill your fantasy.

TRY IT!

RATED 5 STARS!

Well...if you are drunk that is.

A GIRL IS GONNA GET HERS NO MATTER WHAT or WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH GUYS WHO ARE INTIMIDATED BY DILDOS?!?! by MollyX

2010-03-12T12:07:00.000-08:00

There is nothing more pathetic than a guy who is intimidated by a vibrator. Case in point... my ex husband. Boys...rest at ease. No matter how many times we tickle the taco with a vibrator or a dildo, we are never going to stop craving your cock. We will never leave you for a sex toy (except maybe my rabbit. We have fantasized about running away together more than once, but nevertheless...). I married (the first time) at a very young age. When my husband discovered my cheap ass plastic pathetic excuse for a vibrator he was horrified and instantly demanded I throw it in the trash.

But kids.... you can't keep a good girl down. So I quickly started devising a plan to get a vibe back in my life. After weeks of eyeballing...

and my

and even my

I figured out a fail proof plan. It was nearing Christmas, and at the top of my wish list, I asked for a "back massager." I was happy as a pedophile at Disneyland when Christmas morning I unwrapped "The Thumper." This motherfucker looks like my moms antique Hoover.

It weighs about 75 lbs, has two vibrating heads, and a heat option. The next morning, I waited for my husband to go to work, plugged that sucker in, and went to town. The thing was like having a construction worker jackhammer your clit up into your throat. WAAAAAAAAAAY too strong! But I wasn't about to let that stand in my way. I threw on a pair of panties, unrolled some tube socks, lay them over my pussy, and went for round two with a nice protective layer of cushioning. About three minutes into it.... SUCCESS! Not the most amazing experience ever, but it was tolerable. And my husband spent the next three years thinking I had some serious back problems, cause that shit was plugged in by the bed everyday when he came home from work. But the moral of the story is...guys, come to terms with the fact that no matter how good of a lay you are, or how amazing your cock is, your wife or girlfriend is going to flick it. So deal. If my ex had come to terms with it, I would have been spared one seriously bruised labia and an astronomically high sock bill.

MY FIRST BLACK DICK by: BottomsUp

2010-02-18T19:58:00.000-08:00

I have always been attracted to men outside my race.

For whatever reason I have never really been attracted to white men...especially gay ones.

And we have all heard those rumors of black men having bigger dicks...being better lovers..etc..etc.

There was a time when I bought gay porn videos and mags full of sexy black men with giant dicks and jacked it til I turned blue!

I was obsessed with the idea of getting my ass pounded by a nice black dick.

Now...

Fast forward to a night of endless partying at a gay club in Louisville, Kentucky.

I met this (who I thought was sexy at the time) 26 year old black guy named Keith.

He had a gold tooth, sexy full lips, and a beautiful ass!
Looking back on it now though...he looked like a god damn horse!
In the face that is.

That aside for now...

We ended up getting drunk and making out all night long.

Sad thing is...I did not remember any of it.

FUCKING VODKA!

Anywayz...

A few weeks later Keith came to visit me in Indiana.

I was ready for my first taste of black dick so I spit shined my asshole til it twinkled like a diamond!
As I sat in the car staring at him it dawned on me....

This mother fucker looks like Rick James and Mr.Ed had a baby!

Needless to say...

We headed off to this trashy motel called "The Cloverleaf" which was close to my house.

The place reeked of roach spray and it was colder than a polar bears asshole inside!!

We sat and talked a bit until the the awkwardness of being sober went away.
And then...
We attacked one another.

He was a terrible kisser!

He sucked my tongue so hard that I couldn't catch my breath!

I felt like a fucking puffer fish gasping for air!

All I could think about was his dick.

I could not wait to feel it..see it..taste it in my mouth!

So..

I unzipped his jeans and slowly slid them off his body.

There it was.

Now I am not a size queen and could honestly care less about size...

but I was hoping to see a big black dick.

It wasn't.

Although it wasn't large..it was very hard and uncut.

It was my first taste of uncut dick.

I loved it!

And...well..there was something else.

Ok..how can I put this delicately??

I will just say it.

His dick hole was smiling at me!

SHIT U NOT!

To this very day I have never seen anything else like it.

I have seen lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of dicks...

but never seen another smiling dick hole..EVER!

It was quite a big hole.

You could actually put the tip of your tongue inside it!

Kind of gross I know but true.

Ok..Ok..

Let's not get off track here.

He was a terrible and I do mean terrible fuck!

I could have nailed a carrot to a teeter totter and gotten more rhythm!

We fucked a few more times after this night.

Afterwards..

I went on a black man fucking spree that lasted throughout my late teens and into my early 30's!

Now...

I am here to tell you that the black man bigger dicks rumor is just that.

A rumor.

I have pretty much fucked every race and I can honestly say that race does not matter.

Either you have a big dick or you don't.

It's like girls and their titties..some girls have big tits..some girls don't.

The biggest dick I have ever seen was attached to a white French tourist I met this past year.

FUCKING HUGE!

That fucker looked like a god damn fire hose!

Yes I know what you are thinking...

I mentioned earlier that I am not attracted to white guys.

That is true.

I prefer Latin dick.

But...

when I drink a dick is a dick!

Sometimes.

MY FIRSTS: THE PATHETIC AND SOMEWHAT DEPRESSING STORY OF HOW MOLLYX LOST HER VIRGINITY

2010-02-18T15:30:00.000-08:00

I fucking hate people who talk about losing their virginity as if it was the most romantic, amazing experience of their life. I'm looking at you ladies. I call bullshit. MAJOR bullshit. There is nothing...i repeat NOTHING pleasant about getting your cherry popped. And I will throw down with any chick that says otherwise. "Ohhhh...it was with my high school boyfriend...and ohhhhhh....it was so incredible..and he lit candles, and had a fire going in the fireplace and there were rose petals everywhere and he was so sweet and incredible and gentle and caring and bullshit bullshit bullshit. Yeah right. SUCK MY DICK! I don't know. Maybe it's true. Maybe I'm just a little jaded....with reason. Which leads me to.......MY FIRSTS: HOW MOLLYX LOST HER VIRGINITY. It goes a little something like this..........

So. It's a few weeks before my 16th birthday. I'm at a party at my friend Kris's house. We're smoking a joint in the woods at the end of the backyard. We're getting pretty high when Derek (may he rest in peace. sweet guy. now dead.) walks up with his friend "Tom." I'm instantly attracted to him. Tom looks like a pre-corpse version of River Phoenix circa "My Own Private Idaho."

HOT! Unfortunately, he's also painfully shy. I eek three words out of him all night and go home frustrated. The next day Kris calls me and says "Tom thinks you're hot. My mom is out of town tonight. Tom and Derek are coming over and he wants you to come." Five hours later the four of us are sitting in Kris's room, listening to Nine Inch Nails and Nirvana and smoking a joint. Derek and Kris leave on a beer run. Tom and I sit in silence. I'm not kidding you. We didn't say two words to each other.....and yet, before you know it, he's dry humping my leg on Kris's water bed. Before we get very far into it, Derek comes busting in and for some reason (which was to be revealed six months later) he spends the rest of the evening cock blocking Tom. The night dwindles down, and I have to get home before curfew. Kris offers to drive me, and Tom asks if he can ride along. I get in the back seat of Kris's '73 Gremlin....and Tom slips in back with me.

Kris is cruising down the highway and Tom and I start to go at in the the backseat. Before I know it, my bra's on the floorboard and he's got is hand down my panties. At this point I'm getting slightly embarrassed. Kris keeps looking in the rear view and giggling. Suddenly, my pants are around my ankles and Tom is fingering me. I kinda can't believe this is happening. But he's hot, and my girl Kris is an open minded gal, so what the fuck. Tom fingers me while be pulls my hair and fondles my titty.....Wait. What!?!?!?!? Tom fingers me, WHILE he pulls my hair AND fondles my titty!?!?!?!?!? WTF!! Unless this motherfucker is an octopus some shit is going down right now!?!?!

That's right kiddies! Pencil dick Tom is fucking me. His cock (I hesitate to use the word cock. It gives his micro dick too much credit). His four month old BABY DICK is inside me. I swear to god, I thought it was his finger. How sad. He finishes as we round the corner to my house. I fumble around as I fish my panties out from under the drivers seat, mumble a few parting words to him, and run inside. I was raised in a very staunch religious home. So I spend the rest of the night laying in bed, staring at the ceiling and repeating over and over to myself "I had sex. I'm going to hell. I had sex! I'm going to hell! I had sex...." and fantasizing about what the devil will be like in person.

But that is the past and I am now at peace with my present day whoredom. And I can't help but feel that god is now on my side, because he's spared me from ever having another up close encounter with a runt dick.

So thanks Jesus. Thanks for that one.

P.S. Oh,oh,oh,oh,oh......I can't believe I forgot this part. So, six months later, I'm sitting in Blockbuster Music (remember when they had those?) with my best friend, probably listening to the new BUSH album or some heinous bullshit, and who should walk in but needle cock. So, I walk over and briefly say, hi. We exchange a few pleasantries and I return to my friend. Three seconds later this huge cow of a girl is tapping me on the shoulder and screaming "SLUT!" In my face.

My friend and I look at each other and start cracking up!!! The sumo starts to walk out, gets to the door, yells "I should kick your ass" and leaves. "Who the fuck was that?" "I have NO idea. I've never seen that bitch before in my life." Well kids, turns out pencil dick HAD A WIFE AND A KID. What a fucking ass hat. Way to go micro cock. Way to go. So, young girls everywhere...heed my advice. Lower your deflowering explations. WAY LOW.

MY FIRST TIMES: BY MOLLYX

2010-02-13T21:41:00.000-08:00

I am the Harry Houdini of masturbation. I was raised with 8 siblings, and we all shared two bedrooms, the boys in one and the girls in the other. Every night I was surrounded by several elbows, kneecaps, and shin bones as all of us girls crammed into two twin sized bed. This made masturbating without being detected a very tricky operation. The key is to move very very slowly until you reach your cooter, carefully slip one hand inside the panties, and make subtle flicks with the finger. After years of mastering this technique, I can now safely say that I could masturbate in a straight jacket, wrapped in ten miles of heavy duty chains, covered in padlocks, while suspended upside down by my big toes, in a tank filled with water and man eating sharks.....and no one would know I was doing it.

This is a skill that has come in really handy in my adult life (and probably saved me from countless citations for public lewdness), and I have to say that I owe it all to the man who inspired my very first masturbation experience.........Crocodile Dundee.

I saw the first Crocodile Dundee movie when I was in the third grade, and I was never the same. I thought Paul Hogan was the sexiest man alive.....that's right folks.....Paul Hogan. For whatever reason, it was that leathery, 80 year old, walking slice of bacon with an Aussie dialect that flipped the switch in my coochie. I distinctly remember laying in bed after watching Crocodile Dundee for the first time on TBS or some shit. While my sisters slept five feet from me, I took my first real trip down under. Har har har ha hardy har har. Sorry. I tried to resist it, but couldn't. I'm a total moron with the sense of humor of a 40 year old white guy. Anyway......I didn't come. At that point I didn't know that orgasms existed in the world. But that all changed a few years later with Joey Lawrence and the faucet in my bathtub. That's right kids, it gets worse....

Joey....fucking....retarded....Lawrence. Flash forward a few years. My family has moved across the country and all ten of us are living in a two bedroom motel room. I was depressed. FUCKING depressed. So, I'm sitting in the bathtub (the only place there was any possibility of privacy) and I'm watching the water come out of the faucet.

And I'm sad. And watching the faucet. And I'm missing my friends. And watching the faucet. And I'm wishing there was something I could do to make myself feel a little happier. And watching yadie yadie blah blah you get the fucking picture. So, I get to thinking to myself "Self, what if you hold your bean under that faucet? What that'd feel like? It might make you feel a little better." So I inch my butt down to the end of the tub, prop my feet up on the tile walls, and let the water run on my pussy. And then...my whole life changed. It was by far (up to that point) the most pleasurable experience I'd ever had. And for some reason, which I'll never understand, fucking retarded Joey Lawrence pops in my head.......and I like it!?!?!?!? Within two minutes I was coming my brains out. And you know what....I did feel better. A lot better. From that day forward, I was a chronic masturbator. Still am. So thank you Crocodile Dundee. Thank you retarded Joey Lawrence. Thank you bathtub faucet. I owe you guys one..............or two.............or fifteen thousand.

Bathtub Faucet: Five squirts!

Pros: Easy, clean, free.

Cons: Can lead to watery qweef (or as Bottoms Up once said, "You must've looked like a goddamn garden fountain. People could walk by and toss pennies at your ass and make a wish!") Could require a lot of impromptu story telling and embarassing stammering if walked in on (I'll have to tell you the story of when my mother interupted the faucet game. Not good kids. Not good at all. But that's a tale for another time). Also, be sure to wipe all dirty foot prints from tile on wall or you'll have a lot of explaining to do. Put the shower curtain on the inside of tub to avoid flooding the bathroom floor, but do not...repeat....DO NOT get it snagged under your ass cheeks so that when you come you pull it down, curtain rod and all and beam yourself in the head leaving large and pronounced lump, again requiring a lot of uncomfortable explaining. Can cause serious damage to cervix if water dumps directly into your vag hole. That's right, I do my research. So play it safe kiddies. Aim for the clit.

POINT TO PONDER BY MOLLYX

2010-02-12T13:29:00.000-08:00

TODAYS POINT TO PONDER!!

IS THIS..........

A) A Pussy?

Or is it.......

B) Werewolf man from Netherworld?

YOU DECIDE!!!!!!

THE TIGER TYSON REPLICOCK by: BottomsUp

2010-02-07T17:24:00.000-08:00

Anyone that knows me can tell you my fascination with gay pornstar Tiger Tyson.

Well...I used to be obsessed with him.

I met him a few years back and well ummm..

we kind of fucked.

Although it wasn't the best sex I ever had, it wasn't the worst either.

I place the blame on all the alcohol and weed we consumed beforehand.

That's the story and I am sticking to it!

Anywayz...

I ran into Tiger again a few years later and ummmm..

he didn't even remember me.

I didn't take offense though.

I am sure he has dicked more than his share of guys from coast to coast.

For those of you not lucky enough to have had the real thing,

Tiger now has his cock immortalized in dildo form.

The Replicock!

After a night of drinking at View Bar here in NYC, I headed down the street to the Blue Store in search of a new anal toy.

And there it was!

Tiger Tyson's dick in a box.

The price was around $50/$60 bucks.

Needless to say I bought and planned to fuck this carbon copied cock as soon as I got home.

Out of the box this replicock looks a bit larger than the dick I remember being shoved in my asshole.

But...

I lubed it up and stuck it to the shower wall!

Oh yeah..

I forgot to mention it has a suction cup device attached to the balls.

With lots of lube and a severe craving for cock like a crackhead craves a crack rock,

I gently slid this cold severed arm up my ass.

I swear to god it felt like I was giving birth to a summer sausage.

With that being said..

My cock craving was quenched and my orgasm was explosive.

I love dildos that resemble actual dicks.

It's much easier for the fuck fantasy in my head to seem a reality if the dildo is dick shaped.

RATED: 4 STARS

I truly enjoy this toy.

It is molded from Tiger's actual cock so the detail is quite accurate.

Buy one!

Just because

2010-02-07T14:49:00.000-08:00

Dildo Death Match or How can the Japanese get it soooo right...and then so wrong? by MollyX

2010-02-07T14:15:00.000-08:00

"Why is that Japanese man so happy?" you may be asking yourself. Well, I'll tell you why. Because when it comes to sex toys the Japanese are god amongst men......or so I thought. This belief has been the one constant in my life. When you're looking to stuff the clam shack with a new toy...go to the Japanese. They'll never let you down. My love affair with the land of the rising sun began with (and yes, i know we're all sick of hearing it, especially since that fucking episode of Sex in the City. But I'm sorry, it's fucking true) the Rabbit.

I got my rabbit three years ago and that bitch is still going strong. It is what a you call "a sure thing." I know that without exception, when I bust out my Rabbit Pearl, I am gonna come my brains out and not just once...multiple, multiple, multiple, multiple times. I have come so hard with my rabbit that I've awaken in the morning to find that I've burst all the blood vessels in my face and had to walk around for three days looking like a fucking syphilis patient.

I don't care how tired, high, or crawling on my face puking drunk I am. That shit is the tilt- a -whirl in the land of the pussy. It...does...the....job. So, when we received a shipment of the Tenga Masturbation Sleeves at work the other day, I couldn't wait to pick one up for the hubby.

I got him the Tenga Air Cushion Cup one use sleeve and skipped my happy ass home, looking forward to a night of mutual buffing of the weasels. At first he wanted to use it in private, but I insisted on being there in the name of science. So we threw down a towel, put on some porn and went to town, he with the Tenga and me with the Rabbit. It started off okay, but definitely not great. I think it made him slightly nervous that I was perched over him like a vulture with a vibrating purple dong shoved in my cootchie.

I can see how that could be a little unnerving. The sleeve was really cold, which set us off at a slow start, but it warmed quickly. But within a few minutes I could tell that there wasn't any real fireworks happening for him. "Is there supposed to be a texture inside?" he asks. All Tengas come with a different texture. But he said he could barely feel it. After a few frustrated strokes he seemed to get in a groove.....until something white and spongy came flying out of the sleeve at 95 miles an hour!!! That was a fucking buzz kill. The Tenga comes prelubed. It has a sponge inside the lip of the sleeve that keeps it lubricated. It looks like my husbands rapid jerking released it and it came barrelling out of the end. Ummm...not good. After a few more desperate moments he finally came. It was less than satisfying. I, on the other hand, had already came 40,000 times thanks to you know what. So, in short, in a samurai dildo death match, Rabbit trumps Tenga, no question about it.

So, from the bottom of my female heart, I give a hearty thank you to our friends in the far east for the mind blowing multiples. And a wag of the finger for providing a rather disenchanting chicken choke for the old man. But that's okay....I still love you Japan. I'll fuck you anytime.

Rabbit: Five incredible squirts

Tenga: 2 pathetic tiny squirts

P.S. I do have to say that the Tenga was too short to fit my husbands whole cock, which left him smiling and feeling pretty pleased with himself for a couple days. So, maybe it should get an extra half a squirt for the ego stroke. At least it was good at stroking something.

MY FIRST TIMES by: BottomsUp

2010-01-26T22:05:00.000-08:00

Masturbation is a topic many people do not like to admit doing and or even discuss.

Why??!

We all do it!

And if you say you don't you're a god damn liar!

When I first realized that touching my dick felt great, I did it every single fucking day!

STILL DO!

Not only did I jerk off on a daily basis,

but I began to explore more deeper...

If you get my drift.

I began to experiment with anal play.

I was too young to buy sex toys and didn't even know they existed at this point in my life.

I was just a kid.

But...

there were items around the house I would use to XXXplore my deepest desires if you will.

Everything from a bowling pin shaped cologne bottle, hairbrush handles, pens, pencils, markers, screwdriver handles, fingers, broom handles...

I even placed a condom over a plunger,

then squatted on it in while masturbating and watched myself in the sliding glass mirror in the bathroom.

Man if that mirror could fucking talk!

I used to sit on the toilet seat with my legs over my shoulders and play with my asshole,

all while staring at myself in that shower door mirror and jacking off.

I even ate my own cum!

I loved doing that.

I also knew I wanted a dick in my ass!

(Not counting my being molested by a relative)

At 15, I finally got my wish.

He was 14.

It was awkward and not very good.

At 16 I got my first taste of black dick.

It wasn't all that either.

I was beginning to think that playing with my own hole was better than dick!

When I finally got a taste of some good dick,

(He later became a transexual)

I became a full fledged ho!

Sucking and fucking every dick I could find and loving every minute of it.

I grew obsessed with porn and had a large variety of both film and magazines.

LOVED IT!

I would jack off with other male friends,

and sometimes we took nude photos of one another with a Polaroid camera.

I still have those photos today.

I received my first sex toy at 17.

I gave my older gay cousin the money and told him what I wanted.

"A dick shaped vibrator!"

He bought me a HUGE one!

Needless to say I fucked that vibrator for years!

I stuck it between the couch cushions to hold it in place and rode that fucker til the cows came home!

When my mother started to figure out my being gay,

she also became nosey and began to snoop.

I was so paranoid that mom would find my toy,

so I tossed that giant dick shaped dong into the woods next

to our house.

Funny thing though...

Years later my dad was walking in the woods and found that god damned 12 inch rubber dick!

It was all dry rotted and molded.

I was horrified but was also laughing hysterically inside.

Little did he know that dick was deep inside his sons little asshole many many many many many fucking times!

Hell...

it may still be in those woods today!

He never threw it away that I know of.

lol

Too fuckin funny!

Well there ya have it folks.

The true story of my two first times.

Guess I will sign off for now.

Gotta jack it and hit the sack!

Good night to all!

MADONNA AND SEX by:BottomsUp

2010-01-26T20:51:00.000-08:00

Let's just cut to the chase here folks.

I am fucking obsessed with Madonna!
She taught me to be honest and proud of my sexuality, and to never be ashamed of who you are.
This is what makes Madonna...well...Madonna!
Without her existence, I don't know if I would have survived.

As a kid growing up the Midwest, I was this quiet little lost gay soul.

No role models and no one to look up to.

Then one day in the early 80's....

it all changed!

I discovered this woman on my television screen rolling around singing about boys and sex.

With her teased hair, ripped leotards, pouty red lips, see through bra, and well choreographed dance moves...

She oozed sex like no other woman in music and had a rebellious attitude to match.

She caused chaos and controversy wherever she went,

and professed her love for the gays from day one of her career.

I had finally found my idol and role model!
And...
SHE WAS FROM THE MIDWEST TOO!

Parents around the world were flipping the fuck out at their daughters (and even sons like myself) who copied her look and became Madonna wannabes over night.

Her concerts sold out arenas and stadiums worldwide,

and her music and videos left us all wanting more.

In 1985, and as her career was in full swing, Madonna was about to get a shock of her own.

Photos were published in both Playboy and Penthouse depicting a not yet famous and nude Madonna in various poses.

After moving to NYC to pursue her dreams,

Madonna had done some nude modeling to make ends meet.

The images were not hardcore, but did show Maddy in what some would call "a less than flattering light".

With her hairy pits and full bush exposed...

Madonna's response to these images being released was in typical Madonna fashion...

But...

not everyone was amused.

Whore, slut, and bitch, are just some of the many many negative words used to describe this sacriligious sex pot spawn of Satan.

My moms church even did a sermon on the dangers of singers like Madonna!

NO JOKE!

(That's the fucking Pentecostals for ya)

Controversy would continue to be this little ladies claim to fame for many many years to come.

Like it or not ladies and gentleman...

Madonna had arrived!

And in October of 1992, so had SEX.

Madonna's infamous Sex book that is!

The book was released by Madonna as an accompaniment to her fifth studio album Erotica, which was released a day earlier.

The extremely controversial book featured strong adult content and softcore pornographic photographs depicting simulations of sexual acts, which included sadomasochism and analingus.

Madonna wrote the book as a character named Mistress Dita, inspired by 1930's film actress Dita Parlo.

Featured in the book, aside from unknown models, are actress Isabella Rossellini, rappers Big Daddy Kane and Vanilla Ice, model Naomi Campbell, gay porn star Joey Stefano, actor Udo Kier, the European socialite Tatiana von Fürstenberg, and nightclub owner Ingrid Casares.

For the release of Sex Madonna gave a party at New York City's Industria Superstudio,

which she attended dressed as Little Bo Peep with a stuffed toy lamb.

Warner Bros. Records and Time Warner executives were reluctant to allow Madonna to create such a book, and although they eventually gave her permission, they remained greatly opposed to the idea.

A huge public "buzz" preceded the book's release, generating massive publicity.

Several organizations tried to boycott the sale of the book, while many book stores refused to carry it.

There were many negative essays by critics that considered Sex to be a calculated controversy timed to boost sales of Madonna's new album.

Soon after the release of the book there came a phenomenon which was considered to be a "Madonna backlash", with many people feeling that the singer had finally "gone too far".

In spite of the controversy and negative reviews, Sex sold 150,000 copies on the day of its release in the USA alone.

Three days later all 1.5 million copies of the first edition were sold out worldwide, making Sex the most successful coffee table book ever released.

The bookstore chain Waldenbooks sold 22,000 copies of the book on the day of its release, and commented to MTV that they had never once seen a book sell out so quickly.

There will only be one Madonna!

She has paved the way for so many other artists and literally tore down many barriers for both women and the gay community.

Madonna is a one woman army who cannot be duplicated.

GaGa who?????

POINT TO PONDER

2010-01-26T10:42:00.000-08:00

Why??!

"Way to fuck everything up for gaspers everywhere David Fucking Carradine" aka "My trip down Erotic Asphyxiation Lane" by MollyX

2010-01-25T20:18:00.000-08:00

"Hey, you guys ever play that choking game in junior high." And just like that I stepped into the dangerous and dark world of Erotic Asphyxiation. Little did I know that it would bring me the best orgasm of my life. Erotic Asphyxiation has been a hot topic in the last 6 months (thank you David Carradine).

And although it's getting a ridiculous amount of media coverage right now, it's hardly new. Erotic asphyxiation was first documented in the 1600's as a treatment for erectile dysfunction. This became a practice after it was noted that several men developed a raging hard on when executed by hanging. It's called "Angel Lust." Cute, right? Who knew? Not a bad way to go if you ask me. A necrophiliacs dream. But I digress....So......."Did you ever play that choking game in Jr. High School?" I'm hanging out with three of my male classmates (one of which is now my husband) after rehearsal. It's around one in the morning and the floor is empty. "What the fuck is that?" I ask. "It's where you choke each other until you pass out." "What the fuck!" (that's me talking) "Why the hell would you wanna do that?" "You know, to get high." Now, I've done some seriously STUPID SHIT to get off in the past, particularly in Jr. high. I thought I'd done it all. Everything from huffing gas to accidentally dropping five hits of liquid acid on my tongue, but this shit?!? I missed this shit somehow. "Yeah, it's easy" my friend B says. "You bend over, breathe in and out really fast, and then someone presses on the sides of your neck. It's crazy. You should try it!" I know some or you would say that a group of thirty year old adults playing the choking game is asinine and retarded. And I would agree with you. Nevertheless.........I'll try anything once. So I find my self, bent over, surrounded by three guys, breathing heavy, and getting the living Jesus choked out of me (so similar to my favorite flavor of porn, it's ridiculous). Suddenly, everything starts to go dark and...I like it. Really, really, really like it. In retrospect it's a good thing I didn't discover this when I was thirteen because, if I had, I would have killed so many brain cells by now that I'd be stuck in a wheelchair , drool rolling down my chin and sitting in the pile of shit that's been marinating in my adult diaper for the last three weeks.

I start to hear B yelling. He's at the end of long, dark tunnel. He's shouting "Stop it! Stop! Okay you guys Stop!" and the whole world rushes back as my husband releases his death grip from my neck. The other two are laughing their asses off while B is dancing in the corner freaking out. "I'm sorry, but that started to scare the shit out of me!" he says. What a pussy.

Flash forward a year and a half. My husband (then boyfriend) are in a seedy L.A. motel with blue velvet wallpaper and plush carpeting and tearing into each other. Raping each other. Things are violent. Sexy. Dangerous. He grabs me by the neck and fucks me as he squeezes. And inspiration hits. "Stand up." he says. "Now bend over." Things are about to get exciting. "Now breathe....hard!" He locks his hands around my throat and bends me back on the bed. And then....hold on....three minute bean flick break. I'm sorry, but even writing about this shit gets me wet............Okay, I'm back. So....He locks his hands around my throat and bends me back on the bed. Everything disappears. I'm in a dream state. Where am I? I have no idea. I can see the outline of a man above me. I have no idea who he is. And......HE'S FUCKING ME!!!! How did I end up here with this mad rapist. And why does it feel so fucking good. I'm terrified and confused and experiencing the most thrilling fuck of my entire life. The orgasm comes first. Earth shattering, mind blowing come. And then I realize who he is. It's my boyfriend. We're in the shit motel. He's fucking my brains out. And. I. Love. It. For the next few months everyday is fucking Christmas. It's so terrifying, and thrilling, and bad, and dangerous. And in a macabre way, it brings us closer together. Allowing someone to strangle you into unconsciousness with their dick in you is a bonding experience, believe it or not. It takes an incredible amount of trust. You have to give up total control. Your life is in their hands. All is right in the world....until MOTHERFUCKING DR.FUCKING PHIL FUCKS IT ALL UP FOR ME.

After ass hat Carradine offs himself, the doctor starts going on a anti-choking game campaign. He packs his stage with weeping mothers and condescending doctors talking about what a horrible dangerous fucked up practice it is and how idiot kids are dropping like flies from it. And just like that....I'm psychologically cock blocked. Fuck you Dr. Phil. Now, every time my husband even hints at doing it, I dry up like the goddamn Mojave Desert. Dr. Phil has turned be into a sniveling, terrified, crying little pussy.

But I have to confess...it was magic while it lasted. Goddamn Disney Land. I miss it. Why does the mass media have to ruin everything fun (weep,weep)? Anyway, when it comes to Erotic Asphyxiation, I give it a VERY ENTHUSIASTIC FIVE SQUIRT!

*insert disclaimer here* *insert disclaimer here**insert disclaimer here**insert disclaimer here*

Okay you little shits. Here's the disclaimer. Erotic Asphyxiation is very dangerous. Ask Oprah. She'll tell you. It can result in cardiac arrest, brain damage, and/or death. And never never never do it alone, or you'll end up like you know who. Not mentioning any names here.

So there. That's my disclaimer. So now when you off yourself on accident by wrapping a belt around your neck and attaching it to your shower rod while dressed in your sisters panties, with duct tape wrapped around your ball and a wad a spooge sliding down the drain, your mom can't call the fucking Dr. Phil show and then sue me in civil court! So there! Choke it at your own risk! Peace.

LARGE SHROOM DILDO: Reviewed by BottomsUp

2010-01-23T11:01:00.000-08:00

Due to my extreme love for anal play...
I wanted to try a little sumthing sumthin new.
So...

I smoked a little reef and headed off to the adult store for a new anal toy.

Now...

I can handle a good sized dick and pride myself on that.

So...

I decided to try a toy which would challenge my love for a good dick.

My choice...

THE SHROOM DONG.

Total Length - 8.5 Inches

Insertable Length - 7.5 Inches

Minimum Thickness - 2.75 Inches

Minimum Circumference - 8.5 Inches

Maximum Thickness - 4.25 Inches

Maximum Circumference - 13 Inches

YEAH EXACTLY

Not only was I planning to take on this giant mold spore,

I was also going to film myself using it for the first time with my video camera.

After I pay the cashier and endure his trying hard not to laugh at this white boy who just bought a smurf house to shove up his ass...

I was on my way!

Let's not forget this rubber dong weighs as much as a severed head.

I felt like I had commited a crime just by taking it home!

Once I was back in the privacy of my own bedroom,

I set up the video equipment and smoked a bit more reef.

It was now time!

(I ALSO DOUCHED THOROUGHLY BEFORE)

Without further adeu...

I began to lube up my tight hole and this giant rubber shroom.

It felt as if I was rubbing butter on a stillborn infant that had been dead for 3 days and left in the woods

behind an old barn.

It was cold and hard.

With the camera rolling,

I began my journey into what I thought was going to be true anal bliss.

What I got was...

a shredded and bloody asshole!

I was screaming and moaning like someone being fucked violently with a baseball bat!

Not to mention...

I was afraid to pull Papa Smurfs house from my ass for fear my insides would be attached!

After an excrutiating few minutes,

I slowly removed the flesh toned fire hydrant from my butchered ass.

It was a bloody mess!

I don't know what the fuck I was thinking when buying this huge ass monster dong.

Not sure if the weed had impaired my ability to think or what the fuck.

Oh and yeah...

The god damn video camera was still rolling and captured the entire Rosemary's Baby scene as it unfolded.

I laid on the floor for what seemed to be an eternity and breathed a sigh of relief.

The nightmare was over.

It took DAYS for my asshole to regain its composure and become normal again.

LESSON FUCKING LEARNED FOLKS!

Final analysis:

Leave these large anal toys to the professionals!

If you are seeking a bit of danger and excitement in the anal department...

I suggest you leap out of an airplane over Manhattan and impale yourself anally on the Empire State Building!

You will get the EXACT same result!

I hate this dildo and hope it burns in hell.

RATING: ZERO SQUIRTS!

SMARTBALLS: Reviewed by MollyX

2010-01-21T17:51:00.000-08:00

Mmmmmmmm......k. Let's talk a little about something called Smartballs. Have you seen these, have you heard of these? Fun Factory (the manufacturer) says that Smartballs are "vaginal exercise balls." But let's be real here folks. They're a pair of Chinese Baoding Balls with a plastic cover and a rubber band attached to the bottom of them so you don't permanently lose them in your coochie.

I was interested in them because I read an article saying the harder you exercise your kegals, the better your orgasm (which I'm always a big fan of). So, I'm sitting at work one day (I work in a sex shop...kind of) and I turn to my male co-worker and say, "You know what. I'm gonna get me some Smartballs." So I buy them and, being the ridiculously impatient person that I am, I decide to go into the bathroom at work to try them out. They're very easy to insert (a lot like putting in a tampon) and relatively comfortable. So, I'm thinking "not so bad." And then......I start to walk. Oh...My....God....You....Guys! It was like a fucking slinky had gotten trapped in my vag and was trying to walk all over my cervix.

THEY MOVE. I MEAN REALLY REALLY MOVE. It was a crazy sensation. It reminded me of being pregnant and feeling a baby move for the first time. Totally surreal and somewhat alien....as in sci-fi alien. But it wasn't "unpleasant." Just a little bizarre. So I figure, what the hell, I'll keep them in and see how it goes. We close down the store and I head out for the evening, jingling my way down the sidewalk like a fucking tambourine. I get...oh.....about 1/2 a block I'd say, and I feel something shift. I walk a few more steps...and feel a distinct POP! Jesus fucking Christ, the shit is falling out of my pussy. One ball is completely out of my cooter and I'm squeezing my vag with all the strength I can muster to keep the other fucker in. I'm panicking. This is the middle of summer and I'm wearing a skirt, so I'm just waiting for the balls to hit the ground and roll down the sidewalk. I'm trying to slyly push them back in. Trying to duck in doorways and shove a finger up my skirt, but no...the shit is just dangling there. It was like giving birth to a bobble head. So I spend the rest of the train ride, standing, sweating balls (no pun intended) and praying to god that this shit is not gonna come crashing out of my box and onto the floor of the fucking Q train. I got home, inching down the street to my apartment with my knees held so tightly together I looked like a muscular dystrophy patient that has to take a massive shit. I took those fuckers out, scrubbed them and threw them in the back of my closet. I haven't seen them sense. Now, I'm not saying that they're a bad product. If you’re really dedicated to building up your kegal muscles, I think that you'd really appreciate Smartballs. But for someone like me, who was mostly just curious, ummmm.....I'd pass. To me they're just a little too invasive and creepy. Unless you like the feeling of your uterus being stuffed with 8 million caterpillars.

If that's the case, then go for it!!! Totally. And if you hate them, they’d always make for a pretty fabulous cat toy? That’s not a bad idea. Maybe I’ll have to donate them to Bottoms Up for his kitties. What you think? I hope his pussies like them better than mine did.

Two squirts.

Pros: Nice design, easy to use, can enhance orgasm, good for getting kegals back into shape after pregnancy, affordable.

Cons: If you're a total moron like me, can lead to public humiliation. If worn around others, they may start looking around to see who keeps playing the opening chorus of "Carol of the Bells." Certain creepiness factor.

Product description: The following product description is from http://www.funfactory.de/
SMARTBALLS will let you experience a wide range of emotions and motion, because their friendly texture will give way to intimate massage, from slow and smooth initially, then shifting slowly to ever more caressing and exciting feelings so hard to describe you just have to go out of your way to get a hold of them. They will become your new best friend in a heartbeat.
SMARTBALLS are made of hypoallergenic Elastomed, which is very durable and very easy to clean. The unique design, velvety smooth surface and SMARTBALLS –a deeply feminine pleasure numerous color combinations are pleasing to the eye.

POINTS TO PONDER: by BottomsUp

2010-01-18T19:06:00.000-08:00

Yeah exactly.

I need not say anything.

How bout you?

ANAL DOUCHING 101

2010-01-18T19:01:00.000-08:00

You would be surprised to hear how many gay men do not clean their ass before getting fucked!

Yeah..no shit.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME FOLKS??!

I had someone tell me that I should be more spontaneous and stop worrying so much about having a clean hole.

He told me that gay men know what anal play can produce so it's no big deal.

Ummmmmm...FUCK YOU!

Listen up you nasty ass mother fuckers!

CLEAN YOUR GOD DAMN ASSHOLE OUT!

NOBODY WANTS TO BE SHIT ON UNLESS THEY ARE INTO SCAT!

THAT'S IT! END OF STORY!

Shoving your finger in your shitter is NOT an ass cleansing method.

You must get deep inside and clean the shit out.

It's called an anal douche!

Let me say it one more time...

ANAL DOUCHE!

This is the one I use.

They are NOT expensive and they fucking work!

I douche my asshole all the time folks and let me say...

I have never shit on anyone..not even a pebble!

Now that's advertising.

And it's not just shit.

It's shit chips and flakes and streaks and pepples and lettuce strings and whatever the fuck else your asshole has up in there.

In case you didn't know...

a dick goes up your ass and pumps in and out creating a vacuum...

it will pull out shit you have hidden inside.

NOT CUTE.

No guy wants to pull out their dick and see shriveled lettuce leaves and creamed corn mixed with doo doo!

Come on folks.

It does not take long to douche.

If your man or men cannot wait for you to properly cleanse your ass so you both can have an enjoyable time...

DUMP HIS ASS! KICK HIS ASS TO THE FUCKING CURB!

Cause he is one dirty mother fucker and deserves to get shit on...

BY SOMEONE ELSE!

Us guys with clean holes need to unite and stand proud.

DOUCHE MOTHER FUCKERS! DOUCHE!

Rated: 5 STARS

Molly X's Point to Ponder for today

2010-01-18T12:30:00.000-08:00

I'm pondering why in the name of Jesus this girl I'm sitting next to has a pussy that smells just like a raw potato. I'm waiting for her vag to plop out one of those science experiments you did in the second grade where you take a mason jar, stick a bunch of toothpicks in a spud, shove it on top of the jar and watch it grow roots and shit.

I guess some women are fishy, some cheesy, others are yeasty, and this babe has got some seriously starchy shit going on. I mean, the chick is a box of Argo Cornstarch with legs.Why is that? Do discuss. But on the bright side, this sticky hoe has inspired me to go to McDonalds for lunch and munch down on some of the salty goodness of their supersized fries. Yum!!!!

CLASSIC ANAL PROBE: Reviewed by BottomsUp

2010-01-17T21:56:00.000-08:00

One of my very first anal toys was the "Classic anal probe".

This is a great anal toy!!

The classic anal probe is easy to use with a well designed grip handle.

The tip is approx 2" in diameter and the shaft around 7" long, with an overall length of 12".

You control the depth and speed with the handle and can easily stroke the prostate while lying on your back.

FUCKING LOVE THIS TOY!

It may be simple...

but it makes me cum again and again.

It's an oldie but goodie.

The ball tip kind of POPS in and you can feel your asshole pulling for more.

Well...

mine does anyway.

This is one of those probes you can slam your hole with once you get it inside.

HARD!

The deeper the better with this lovely piece of anal gold.

FINAL ANALYSIS:

Love this toy! Everyone who loves anal should have one.

rated: 5 SQUIRTS

FETISH TALK with BottomsUP

2010-01-17T21:27:00.000-08:00

Let's talk about Fetish for a minute.

Some people are into rubber..leather..bondage..etc.

I...

am into armpits.

Why u ask??

I honestly have no idea.

Ever since I was a kid I can remember being turned on by the armpits of men.

Now don't get get it twisted folks...

I am NOT turned on by armpit funk!

I cannot stand body odor of any kind...especially funky ripe pits.

I am turned on by the hair itself.

There is nothing sexier than a sexy latino thug in a wife beater with those sexy hairy pits exposed.

It's my obsession.

Armpit hair is very personal and revealing to me...

It gives you an idea of what's below.

I love to lick them.
Yeah I said it.

When it comes to guys though...

I used to be more attracted to smooth men.

But now...

I am more into hairy guys.

Now I am not talking about a hairy backed sasquatch werewolf mother fucker.

FUCK THAT.

I'm just not into extreme body hair.

I love hairy legs, pits, treasure trails, and uncut dicks...

YUMMMMMMMMMMM!

THE GOOD FELLOW: Reviewed by BottomsUp

2010-01-17T18:20:00.000-08:00

The Good fellow...The Good Fellow...The Good Fellow!

Hmmmmm..Where should I start??

Yes it's true as my friend said below...

the Good Fellow is like trying to shove a live fish in a pop bottle.

By the time that slippery fucker gets in your ass you need a fucking nap!

(and Ben Gay for that torn muscle in your arm from trying to get the son of a bitch in your ass)

Once inside it felt great except for one thing..

after a bit of hardcore fucking...

it felt like pulling a dry knee high sock out of your ass!

NOT CUTE LADIES AND GENTLEMAN.

It started to dry up.

Now I have tried damn near every lube known to man.

So...

short of using motor oil on my tight kittenlike asshole I don't know what else to tell you.

It feels nice to touch..it comes in a variety of colors..

BUT

For me...

it was like pulling put an iguana backwards from your asshole.

Then again...

maybe I just haven't found the right lubricant.

I would try it again sometime.

Final Analysis:

Other than the Good Fellow feeling like a pretzel rod being removed from the anus...

it seems to be a well made toy.

And again...

maybe I need a new lube.

Pretzel rod anyone??

Rated: 2 SQUIRTS

THE GOODFELLOW aka HOW MOLLY X FOUND A SOLUTION TO HER PENIS ENVY

2010-01-17T14:36:00.000-08:00

Hello ladies and gentlemen. I'd like to introduce you to my favorite new toy.......the Goodfellow by Vixen. I have to make something profoundly clear. I have always had some serious, deep rooted penis envy.This must be distinctly understood, or nothing wonderful can come of the story I am going to relate (yes. that's a fucking dickens quote. I know it's retarded but I'm half drunk and it's my blog so, fuck off). Yes guys. I'll be the first to stand up and say it. Penis envy is alive and well and thriving in the 21st century. I have a ongoing fantasy that I'm a German farmer in the 17th century and everyday i wake up and harvest my wheat until the sun goes down and I return home to plow my beautiful redheaded Irish wife that has given birth to my 8 strapping sons with my huge dick and then curl up and go to sleep on our sheep skin sheets. I don't pretend to understand why this has been an ongoing thing for me. I don't care. All I care is that it has continued to get me off over the years. I've also been blessed with a sexually adventuresome husband who loves anal. We've been playing around with a strap on for the last three years. The challenge is always finding a size that's comfortable for him and, of course, a bucket of lube. We've been stuck with this kinda lousy hard red scaly thing. It looks like The Predators dick. And judging by the look on my husbands face when I tried to cram it in his asshole, it FELT like The Predators dick. So we've long been on the hunt for a realistic looking strap on with life like texture that wouldn't quadruple the circumference of my poor husbands butt hole. After months of looking we found it.....THE GOODFELLOW!!!

When we opened the box I couldn't have been more excited. It's very lifelike and comes complete with veins and balls. I spent the first half an hour running around with it on, whacking my new cock on various surfaces and making my husband rub wieners with me. It was a riot. The most fun I've had in months. Then it came down to actual insertion time....and we ran into a little trouble. Our previous anal experiences have taught us the absolute necessity of lubricant in anal play, so we rubbed that baby down. It was like a goddamn slip n slid. Then I tried to insert it. It was like trying to push a live fish through a bottle top. That fucker was slipping and rolling around all over the place. . I couldn't even locate my husbands asshole without a magnifying glass. Everything was wet wet wet and slick as hell and not in a good way. I was so eager to make a go of this thing that the second I felt an opening in the anus, I made a wild plunge for it and rammed that thing up his butt like the running of the bulls. And then.....I hear this load POP!!!!!!! We both freeze. He's all red in the face, saying through a clenched jaw "take...it....out....SLOWLY...take..it...out." Which I did..... slowly. But we were determined and went for round two. After a little effort, we hit a home run!!! It was nothing short of incredible. The realistic look was such a turn on. I loved watching myself fuck him annd he had a seriously intense orgasm. He almost had and immediate double! Which would have been a first for us. It was a total success. We tried it again the next night and had a much easier time. I highly recommend this toy for any tranny loving, cross gender inclined, or just plain old adventurous couple. Come on kids!! Give it a go!!!

Four Squirts!

Pros: Life-like, easy to clean, attractive, can be used with most harnesses, great size for the intermediate anal player.

Cons: Can be difficult to get a grasp on this little fucker! But once you've tamed him, he's well worth the work!

Product Description: The Goodfellow Dildo line comes in four colors. Realistic and harness compatible, the dual density of the Goodfellow adult toy, combined with the revolutionary Vixskin material, results in a feeling so real it just might pass the blindfold

PHALLIX DONG: Reviewed by BottomsUp

2010-01-17T09:59:00.000-08:00

I am always up for trying new and different types of sex toys.
When I heard of the glass dildos being made by Phallix...

I decided to give one a try.

I will admit that the idea of shoving glass up my ass was not very appealing.

It was kind of scary to be honest.

What if it snapped off inside me??

What if it chipped and slit my inner asshole??

There were a few what ifs.

BUT

I am adventurous and decided to throw caution to the wind
(and keep the phone near and ready to dial 911 just in case).

My Phallix purchase came with a nice purple pillow like case in which to store the glass cock when not in use.

The toy itself is also a bit pricey.

BUT

They are also hand made so it makes sense.

Once I lubed up and started the glass to anal entry procedure, something felt a bit odd.

It felt as if I was shoving a popsicle up my ass!

It was too fucking cold!

Now mind you...

these glass dicks can be placed in the microwave for a little warm up or under some warm water if you choose.

I chose the warm water method.

Although it did make the toy tolerable temperature wise, it still did not feel amazing.

Maybe it would feel different for a girl in the cooter, but in an ass it felt like well..GLASS.

The glistening shaft felt waaay too hard and was not enjoyable at all.

You barely get any enjoyment and it does not stimulate the prostate whatsoever.

I could have had a V8.

Final analysis:

Phallix toys are handmade and beautiful to look at.

They are great if you need an art piece for your dining room table, or to use as a weapon for an unexpected intruder, or even better as aquarium decor.

For the asshole?? Not so much.

Rated: 1 SQUIRT

POINTS TO PONDER

2010-01-15T21:20:00.000-08:00

http://www.kaktuz.com/nzk/Octopus-Out-Of-Her-Pussy.htm

This is the portion of our blog where we take a pause through the land of porn,and ask ourselves....WTF!?!?!?...WHY?!?!?! So please...do post.....respond....explain it to us.............

THE OH MY BOD FREESTYLE aka "Who would have thought Steven Tyler would be such a lousy fuck!?!?!?!?" as reviewed by MollyX

2010-01-15T10:33:00.000-08:00

I've wanted to fuck Steven Tyler of Aerosmith since I was 12 years old. I'm not even shitting you. 12. I want to fuck Steven Tyler now....every day....of my life. I know he's getting seriously old, but they could wheel that mother fuckers CORPSE out on a gurney and I'd ride his dick . I....want....to....fuck....him. Which is what I had on my mind this Christmas when I asked for (and received!) the Oh My Bod Freestyle Vibrator. I've had the image of those slobbery plump lips on my clit sucking away for nearly two decades (that mouth could swallow four pussies at one time while eating a ham sandwich). So you can imagine how excited I was tonight when I opened the box and plugged her in. I chose "Hole in my Soul" ( Shut up) for my virgin rock cock ride. I push play and.....WTF!!!!! It's like a goddamn blender going off on my ass. The vibe just shakes non stop at one boring speed. No fluctuation. No change in intensity. At this point I'm thinking "why the fuck did my husband drop 130 on this piece of shit. I'd rather have my grandmother play "Yankee Doodle Went To Town" with a kazoo on my clit. That would be twice as likely to get me off as this piece of shit!" So I pick up the instruction manual (yeah, I'm a dumb ass) and see that you can adjust the vibe by a rolling dial on the transmitter. Feeling profoundly betrayed by Steven (cocksucker) Tyler, I decide to try my luck with Black Crowes (no comments about my white trash taste in music please. I'm at peace with it. I"ll fuck whoever my trailer trash ass wants to, and you'll fuck Lady Ga Ga or some fucking bullshit. K?) So I throw on a little "Sometimes Salvation" and go to town and......OMG! Bleeding Jesus On The Cross, it was gooooooooooooodddddddddddd (that's good, not god, but whatever). The vibe picks up all the little fluctuations and crescendos of Chris Robinson's voice. The most delicious part of the Freestyle is that it teased my clit in a beautiful way. You start with a low base line and the vibe buzzes along like an amplifier. As the song intensifies you get closer and closer to coming. You know the song, so at moments you BEGGING for the goddamn chorus or your favorite section of the song to come. In the meantime you're going slowly, stanza by stanza, on the brink of coming as the music peaks, only to be pulled back on the down beat. And finally you reach the climax of the song and come your fucking brains out. Now I have to tell you....I've only squirted once (okay. I'm not totally sure if I squirted or just peed. But it didn't smell like pee. Yes. I smelled it. And it was non pee like. But it could have been pee. But I don't think so) Any way….I've only squirted once in my life, and the Freestyle made me squirt (or pee) tonight. I had four multiples pretty close together and then switched over to Aerosmith again to give old Steven another try. I came. It was alright. But at that point a fucking gerbil running on a wheel over my pussy would have made me cum. So, the long and the short of it is.....The Freestyle can make for an amazing night, especially for music lovers. But choose your playlist wisely. I'll keep playing with it and come up with a favorite Freestyle play list and post it. Of course, you'll only appreciate my playlist if you're a white trash red neck hillbilly hood rat. But I'm cool with that. Tits!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! And P.S. Just to be fair to my boy Steven...I did have a little 420 action before listening to Black Crowes. Which this writer highly (ha ha) recommends. This toy is very 420 friendly....but what toy isn't?

Pros: Easy to use, beautiful packaging, can plug into computer or ipod, can plug into speakers, multiple adapters for travel, easy to clean, comes with manual vibe, unique, wireless.

Cons: Limits on pleasurable playlists. Not for a quick stuffing of the clam shack. This baby likes foreplay. It's a build up, not a hard and heavy hit. But that's not necessarily a con. Okay. I'll shut up now.

Product description: Retail price: $130. The following description is from the Oh My Bod website: http://www.ohmybod.com/:

Freestyle is the ultimate wireless music massager, combining state of the art technology and ease of use to deliver unparalleled satisfaction. Whether you are rocking to the vibes of your favorite music or rolling through the broad range of programmed settings, this massager will set you free. In music mode, use your iPod® or home audio system to dial in to the perfect mix of rhythm and motion. Or, slip into manual mode to enjoy 7 programmed patterns that will keep you coming back for more. With a rechargeable battery that lasts up to 5 hours, just how long you indulge is up to you.

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THE FLESHLIGHT: Reviewed by BottomsUp

2010-01-15T10:13:00.000-08:00

Let's talk about one of the hottest sex toys out there for us men.

THE FLESHLIGHT.

So I headed out to The Pleasure Chest here in NYC to see what they had.

For those of you who may not know...

The Fleshlight comes in a variety of sleeves for your stroking pleasure.

Such as a mouth, a pussy, an asshole, a butt shape, or just a plain hole (for those who like to fuck holes I guess).

This particular purchase was for my ex. He wanted the asshole sleeve.

After talking to the sales associate and some serious debating...

I decided to get one for myself!

"I will take the mouth sleeve please." I said with glee.

Now mind you...

Each fleshlight comes in a plain rectangular cardboard box with a checkmark indicating sleeve type.

Mine was marked "MOUTH".

That is...until I got home and opened the fucking box.

What I got was every gay mans worst nightmare.

A GOD DAMN PUSSY!

Was this some kind of cosmic fucking joke?!

Are you kidding me right now???

But no...

Unfortunately it was true.

I had a pussy in a box.

But..being the creative fag I am...

I decided to just keep the cunt.

I would just turn it sideways and pretend it's a mouth.

WHO KNEW IF YOU TURNED A COOCHIE SIDEWAYS IT COULD BE MOUTH?!

But hey..when given a lemon you make lemonade right??

Instead of heading back to Pleasure Chest and explaining my misfortune...

I just hung my head high and lubed up those lips and my dip stick.

I sat my ass down on the sofa and slowly slid the cooter over my shooter.

I realized almost immediately that my cock was practically being strangled in this device.

The suction was waaaay too harsh and not very comfortable.

I reached for the box and saw some directions inside.

MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE READ THEM FIRST!

It specifically says to twist the base of the Fleshlight in order to more or lessen the suction.

THANK GOD!

I was flashing back to my childhood dick in the vaccuum hose days!

Once I got the base set on the perfect suction...

it was amazing!

I came all up inside this pussy turned sideways!

It really did feel like a mouth at times.

Unfortunately for us men...

there's always the cleanup.

You have to take your mouth to the sink and twist off the base.

THEN...

Let your gallon of jizz drain out..

The you pull out the sleeve and run under luke warm water to clean.

WARNING!

There's a certain silicone safe powder and soap you must use to clean this product!

Do NOT use hand soap or any other type of cleanser!

It destroys the silicone sleeve.

If you follow the directions and cleanse this toy correctly...

it was last for a long long time.I love it.

Rated: 4 SQUIRTS

http://www.pleasurechesttoys.com/

http://www.fleshlight.com/

MISSION STATEMENT AND BIOS

2010-01-15T09:55:00.000-08:00

MISSION STATEMENT

So what do a gay guy and a straight girl from Indiana do when they find themselves in New York, broke as hell, in a dead end job, their dreams crushed, and getting older by the minute......

they rub one out.!!

Hi all!

We're sick to death of all the BORING "sex blog" sites that approch sexuality, porn, and sex toys in a clinical and self important way.

So Bottomsup and MollyX are here to give a real review to the everyday man (and woman).

We promise to give you our honest opinions on all things sex-related, without all the bullshit.

We'll tell you how it is, as we see it....as we feel it.

...........................................................................

BOTTOMS UP BIO

What happens to a gay boy growing up in the great Republican god fearing city and state of Indianapolis, Indiana??
He becomes a neurotic psychotic sex crazed white trash Bipolar fucked up hot mess of shit who moves to New York City to try and escape the twisted toothless Wal-Mart bible thumping androids of the Midwest to only have his dreams of fame and fortune get further and further away due to depression and low self esteem to just end up at another fucked up dead end job of shit.
However...
I am not bitter.
I AM PISSED OFF.
So let's just change the subject.
I was molested by a cousin as a kid, and had my first real sexual encounter with a guy at the age of 15.
After fucking every black man in Indianapolis (and a few Mexican)...
I finally made the move to NYC and began to fuck every Puerto Rican man.
It's a daunting task but someone has to do it.
Sex is the one thing I still love and keep in my life.
Everything else can rot.
Throughout the years...
I have sucked and fucked many many many men and have purchased many many many sex toys.
With this blog I want to share with each and every one of you my experiences with sex..toys..men..fetish..fantasy..and much more.
My life has not been easy...
but who the fuck cares!
This blog is about sex!